By: Jenny Foughner

Of the many and varied sexual conquests a man can have, threesomes seem to be more of a holy grail than, say, doing it in a bus stop bathroom. Some women share this eagerness to engage with multiple partners at once, but I’ll bet that more men than ladies would put the two-on-one at the top of their to-do list. It’s not that a three-party system is inherently flawed (after all, this is America, land of the free and gluttonous); most women are just ambivalent about it because of the potential emotional implications of inviting another woman into the boudoir. However, even in the face of these seemingly difficult hurdles, it is possible to make your double-up dreams come true. With a little patience, a lot of finesse and some helpful tips on how not to look like an ass, you too can make the leap from the hypothetical to the oh-my-god-this-is-actually-happening.

Gauge Your Lady’s Interest
You can’t have a threesome without three consenting adults (well… you shouldn’t), and if you want one of those adults to be your wife or girlfriend, then you must ease her into the idea. Don’t just throw it out over breakfast and expect an answer within the hour (and, please, don’t ask for it for your birthday; that’s just silly). Instead, bring it up casually – perhaps over a candlelit meal of some description – and give her adequate time to consider pros, cons, and whatever else she needs to consider before succumbing to your masculine whims. Few women thrust themselves into a three-way without some amount of contemplation, so don’t be nervous if she doesn’t agree right away. Just let her mull it over like you would any big relationship decision. Women are all about nuance, so she’ll be much more likely to agree if you don’t try to force it.

Set Some Ground Rules
For most of us, the biggest argument against a threesome is an unwillingness to share our men, and their most intimate act, with another woman. You might be certain that this won’t be a problem – after all, another pair of breasts is really just a lifelike sex toy for you – but if the tables were turned and you had to watch another guy get all up on your lady’s biz, then I’m pretty sure you’d feel hesitant about the whole thing, too. To ease your partner’s fears, start out by setting some ground rules. For example, you might agree that the two of you will finish out the night alone, or that you won’t use your Very Special Talent on Female #2 no matter how much you want to show off. It doesn’t matter what the guidelines are, only that both of you feel comfortable and respected because of them.

Shop Around for a Willing Participant
Maury Ballstein advised students at the Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Want to Do Other Stuff Good Too to never accept a first offer, and that’s exactly what I’m going to advise you to do as you search for the perfect guest artist. Getting permission to turn your bedroom into the set of a teen coming-of-age comedy can be both exciting and overwhelming, which is roughly equivalent to wearing nuclear-grade beer goggles. You won’t be able to think (and see) clearly until you calm down and settle into the idea that your wildest sexual fantasies are about to come true, so before you run out and proposition the first woman you encounter at the deli counter, ask yourself a few key questions: should she be a good friend, casual acquaintance or complete stranger? Do you want this to be a repeat occurrence or a one-time thing? Are you partial to blondes or brunettes? After settling on a profile, go forth and find the best specimen available, because regardless of how low your standards are, your girl expects to be impressed with whatever you bring home.

Test the Waters with a Neutral Activity
Some threesomes sneak up on you like a big, naked tsunami, but when you have the luxury of foresight, you can afford to investigate your merchandise before making the final purchase. Arrange a platonic rendezvous for the three of you prior to the main event, both to ensure that you’ve made the right decision and to demonstrate to your special guest that she won’t be chopped into tiny, freezable pieces after her services have been rendered (everyone feels sexier when homicidal mania is taken off the table). You can broach the subject of your threesome directly or just allude to it suggestively, but you’ll want to insert it into the discussion at some point to make sure everyone’s on the same page. The beauty of this type of pre-game is that you still have the option to call the whole thing off if you discover that it seemed better on paper than it does in your living room. If you find that you’re still excited, however, then of course, tally ho and sally forth.

Get It – er, Them – Done
You should be able to figure out what to do now if you’ve made it this far. If you need some inspiration, though, take a moment to brush up on your moves. And brush your teeth. And enjoy a cocktail. And do whatever else it is you do before getting friskay. 

By