It’s happening. You are walking in a dark alley with a dead end blocking your way out and the fine masked gentleman in the alley with you is demanding all the possessions on your person. And you are without your taser, pepper spray, and sling shot. Most smart people comply and live to tell about it, but even smarter people — you, perhaps — refuse to be a victim and live to laugh about it. While running and screaming like a girl probably won’t do the trick, there are a few moves you can pull out of your bag to beat off a potential mugger.

From The Back

The Elbow: The attacker will be behind you, demanding your goods. You will need to freeze and wait for the mugger to take the money from your pocket. When they are right against you, spin as fast as you can (whichever side he is on) with your elbow raised at head level. While his hands are down fishing for money, you will catch him off guard and his head unprotected. There won’t be much aiming put into the move, but striking him anywhere on or near the head/throat area should give you enough distance from him to make a break for it…and then you can scream like a girl if you wish.

Finishing Move: After the elbow strike, bring your other hand up swiftly and strike him open-palmed on the chin or nose.

Drop & Sweep: While this move is risky because it puts you on the ground, which is not an ideal place to be, it can be effective if executed properly. Again, wait until the mugger is directly behind you. Pre-move, you will need to decide which direction you are going to spin. You will start the move by beginning to drop to the ground. And we mean drop fast. During your fall, go into a full spin with as much speed and force as your weak body can muster. Use this momentum to throw your leg into a power sweep and bring it hard against the attacker’s ankles. The element of surprise and proper execution will likely send him to the ground, at which point you need to bolt upright and get the hell out.

Finishing Move: A swift kick to the crotch region after he hits the ground should do it.

Head & Shin Combo: This takes a little more precision then some of the other moves. The head portion of the move is simply a backwards head butt. When your mugger goes for the gold, throw your head backwards as hard as possible — like 80’s metal style — and nail him in his mug. You will either daze him by nailing his forehead or bring some tears by striking his nose. Here’s where the coordination comes in. As you execute your head butt, give him a swift mule kick to the shin with the heel of your shoe. The trick is to locate his shins first in order to make a proper strike, so when he approaches for the money, look down to locate his positioning behind you. This will also place your head in the first position for your head butt move. See how it all works out?

Finishing move: After a head butt and a shin-shattering kick, calling his mom a whore should do it.

From The Front

Bull Rush: This is the move they will least expect you to do. Run at the mugger. As hard as you can. Make sure you have at least three steps or so to run and built up some semblance of speed. The bull rush requires you to run and dive — head-first like a linebacker — into the assailant. They are in the alley hoping to score a couple of bucks to buy some 40’s later and the last thought on their mind is that you are going to plow into them. They won’t be planted and if you throw all your weight into it, they will tumble on their ass. For you lighter fellows, you will still catch them off guard and send them staggering aside enough to make your get away.

Finishing Move: Add a hard punch to the ribs when you hit him.

Money Decoy/Key Attack: This requires you to volunteer to take out the money. It’s all a ruse, young warrior. While you fish around for the money, grasp your keys in your other hand. Place them so that when you make a fist the key points are protruding out like Wolverine. When you toss your money to the mugger, make sure it’s a poor throw. Either let the money hit the ground in front of him or be an awkward catch. As soon as the cash takes flight, head at the dude as fast as you can. Use your keys — points out, of course — to stick and scratch him wherever you can. The ribs are great. Anywhere on the face rocks, too. While the keys won’t make any actually stab wounds, they feel like little knives being driven through the body. This sensation will cause your mugger to forget the money and get on his horse. And maybe pee himself a little.

Finishing Move: A nice key shiv to the kidneys has dropped many a mugger.

The Possum: In this cousin of the rope-a-dope move, swallow your pride and give up right away. Insist on it. Raise your hands and say that you don’t want any trouble. Your money is in your back pocket and it’s theirs. Just take it. When they come up to claim their prize, throw your hands down hard on their shoulders and grab fistfuls of shirt. Instantly pull him to you and drive a knee into his crotch or gut. As your knee comes up, bring your head hard against his nose. The combination will stun him and send him a step or two backwards. Just don’t get snagged on his shirt when he goes down.

Finishing Move: A couple more head smashes to the nose, followed by pulling his shirt over his head should leave you victorious.