About the only thing that sounds more terrifying than the phrase “penile fracture” is the fact that the fracture itself makes a distinctive “pop.” A recent study in the absolute panty-dropper Advances in Urology confirms that, in the West, more than half of all sex-related penis injuries are the result of, shall we say, graduate-level positions.

In the 44 cases studied, “half presented the classical triad of audible crack, detumescence and pain.” I mean, totally classic, bro. So although a boner isn’t an actual bone, you can fracture it. Albeit pretty typical, missionary is the safest position since men have more control over minimizing the damage. Woman-on-top is the riskiest heterosexual position, accounting for 50 percent of the injuries, followed by doggy-style at 28.6 percent. So maybe new couples should work their way up to reverse cowgirl by Valentine’s Day, rather than rushing right for it and risking, “sexual intercourse under stressful situation.” If that made you clutch your pearls, at least you don’t live in Iran. There the danger isn’t doggy-style but rather a practice known as Taghaandan, which we’re gonna call Taghaandany-style—or the “forceful hiding of an erect penis in underwear” or “breaking the Qholenj.”

1) You’re welcome for the euphemism, “breaking the Qholenj.” 2) If any of our Iranian friends have trouble with frequent erections, may we suggest subscribing to the always-thrilling Advances in Urology?