Being honest is important, but so is impressing the ladies. And sometimes, there’s those extra special occasions when you sense that, without wads of cash, without partying around Japanese Ambassadors and Australian celebrities, this woman will not put out (and you’re probably right). Plus, it’s just plain fun to play the part of raging, ridiculously rich, bling-endowed big man on the yacht sometimes. And, for your viewing pleasure, your necessary practice and special performance, here’s how to do it.
Throw Unaffordable Parties
There’s no better way to perform than for a packed audience and, for this, parties are perfect. If you’ve ever read a tabloid (those things you glance at while checking out of the grocery store), you’ve been told of the celebrity world’s crazy and careless perception of money. This manifests itself, of course, in a multitude of wild gatherings that include topless women, literal tons of beer kegs, catered dining and more noise than a normal neighborhood can tolerate whatsoever. And, in order to assume the role of rich, high-rolling celebrity, you’ll have to participate in them. If you can’t afford throw them (no one can, but if you REALLY cannot afford to), try to make friends with groupies and fans of miscellaneous sports stars, with access to such top secret debauchery. This means hanging out at enough night clubs to land you one friend from the group of dudes who write Cribs. It doesn’t matter how you get to the top parties, it only matters that you do. Once there, follow the remaining instructions for flawless imitation of the freakishly rich, and you’ll be totally fine.
Leather, real leather, leather that moves and stretches and shines like real leather, is expensive, but essential to your quest. You’ll want to aim for a motorcycle-ish jacket, which can imply to some ignorant bystanders at supremely well-sponsored events that you are a dashing race car and/or motorcycle driver. The leather should fit snugly around your shoulders and say something in small, stitched letters to signify its one-of-a-kind quality (anything Italian looking is a good idea). NOTE: Leather pants alongside a leather jacket is too much. Only one piece of leather is recommended – this allows for a subtle accent rather than an awkward statement.
Here, rings are highly recommended. If you want to ball out like a baller, buck up and wear that billion dollar stone on your second finger. Why not? It’s optical illusion will only dazzlingly reflect in the sun and magically seduce the sexy, single party-goer standing lonely across the room. She won’t be able to resist approaching you, with it glittering like a gem-magnet worth more than both your entire worlds combined. But she doesn’t know that, she sees simply a reason to slink over, which is every reason for you to rock some fake (super well-made knock off) rings.
What you drive dictates how you are received, unless you’re ready to park around the corner and say you got dropped off (hey, high school). Otherwise, invest in your rubber and pamper your rims. The thing these days is decadent transportation, so climb aboard and trade out your scraped up, shaking wheels for something solid, silver and condemned to compulsively shimmer in any glint of sun. Moreover, the inside of your automobile should automatically contain something resembling shag carpet, should a lady step inside and get to see how luxurious and alluring your ‘rich life’ is. The trick to tending an image of excessive wealth is primping up the smallest details, to illustrate your sentiment that you don’t need to save a single penny.
Rent a Yacht, Relatives
Because you’ll probably need a justifiable excuse for the fact that you’re not enlisted in the NFL hall of fame, you’ll want to plead trust fund baby. Though it seems this is less glamorous than some rogue football prodigy who rescued his parents from genocide and got the team ten touchdowns in last two minutes of the winning game, it’s a more likely way to deceive a damsel (unless she’s too dim even to ask). Rent a yacht, slap on those leather driving gloves, go for champagne on the upper deck upholstered in curtains of Egyptian cotton and instruct your personal sushi chef in creating your newest restaurant. Whether you’re simply saying these things and playing the part for the duration of the boat trip or you’re seriously investing your life’s savings into living large, you’ll want to reference your regal parents in their palatial villa somewhere off the coast of Spain. Suddenly, all those ladies aboard the ship will lock in on you like insatiable sharks.
Own a Clothing Line
Tony Hawk found out the way to sustain an entire life from a short career – creating his own corporate empire. Part of this empire, alongside the plastic dolls and video games, was his own clothing line. And who can forget Nelly’s ‘Apple Bottoms?’ P. Diddy, Enimen, Kanye West, these guys know how to get some capital while simultaneously canning star-studded invitations to designer shows with masses of models and beautiful fashion interns. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but designer clothing is their biggest love.
Party Like an A-Lister
It’s well known that people of high circles mix best with compatible blood, meaning – rich dudes dig other rich dudes to waste money with, parade their entourages through five star hotels with and spin records with. For this reason, you’ll need to hop around the social map and make your way into the music scene to manage a connection with someone major, like Beyonce, or at least semi-mystical to most normal people, like Bow Wow. By getting a snapshot beside someone who may have once known Michael Jackson, you reserve a spot in bed beside someone who actually cares about that (most women).