Not that you’ve ever wondered, but there surely is no finer resource for curious readers wondering how best to make love to mister Adrian Colesberry. Who is Adrian Colesberry, you might wonder. A worthwhile question to ask before you make love to him, no doubt. Let us fill you in.
He is the author of the sex and relationship guide parody “How to Make Love to Adrian Colesberry,” a former biomedical engineer, and bitter divorcee. All this and more make Adrian somebody that (sorry, Adrian) we’re not really interested in making love to, but definitely somebody whose book we’d recommend.
Written entirely in the third person (i.e. “be sure to read the detailed instructions that follow to ensure maximum enjoyment of Adrian Colesbury) and takes an all-too-frank look at the physical and emotional underpinnings of, you guessed it, making love to Adrian Colesberry. Maybe you’re wondering what Adrian’s policy on cunnilingus is (he loves it), or maybe you’re wondering if you can get a little kinky with Adrian (you can). This is your one stop shop for all these questions and more.
Chapter 1: Am I Right for Adrian Colesberry?
Chapter 5: Adrian’s Penis: Care and Handling
Chapter 9: Love
Appendix E: Three-Ways
Probably the most helpful part of the book in terms of both laughs and information are the many and varied teaching techniques that Adrian satirically strips from actual sex guides. Maybe you’re wondering what Adrian would like to do to your ass? The answer is whatever you’ll let him, and there is a convenient, 10-item, blank list for you to fill out entitled “Things I’d let Adrian Colesberry do to my asshole." Here’s another of our favorites:
If you want to cum in his mouth and it takes you a while to cum, Adrian will either switch into the 69 or fuck you occasionally to keep his penis entertained. If that sentence confused you, try it in Boolean:
IF ((cum in mouth) AND (cum>10 mins)) THEN 69 OR fucking
It’s not all just jokes, though. Adrian refers to his former lovers with delightful and endearing pseudonyms (i.e. The Great One, The Expert, The Enthusiast, etc.), and as you read more about their amorous trials and triumphs, you get a very real feel for what each of their relationships was like with Adrian both in and out of the bedroom. For our money, we’re with The Great One. You really screwed the pooch (don’t worry, not literally) on that one Adrian.
There is one little hitch in our giddyup about the reading of this book. On occasion, Adrian Colesberry’s tone reads a little too earnest. He really, really wants to make love to you. Like…a lot. And if you’re a heterosexual man reading in your apartment, alone, at night, it feels like Adrian Colesberry is peeking over your shoulder just a bit too often to see if you’re ready to make love to him.
But, most of the time when we were reading, (probably like making love to Adrian?) we were having fun. We definitely recommend it somewhat for the insight it offers into male sexuality, but mostly because, you know, when else are you going to get to analyze 10 line graphs illustrating the different ways over time that women have historically gotten off with Adrian Colesberry. Never. That’s when.