How to Meet Women on Facebook

Even with the thousands of dating sites in existence today, there’s still no shortage of dudes complaining that the women they meet online are hideous, clingy, clinically insane or all of the above.

As a dating coach and co-founder of The Art of Charm, I’ve made (or had clients make) nearly every mistake imaginable. (No, Congressman Anthony Weiner is not a client.) And I’ve got a pretty good idea why men run into this problem: the women who use online dating sites are having trouble meeting men in person. Sure, sometimes it’s because they’re “busy with work”, but usually it’s because, face-to-face, they’re giving off signals that tell normal guys like us to run for the hills.

In other words, trying to meet quality women on a dating site is the equivalent of going to Starbucks and bitching about their beer selection. If you want to meet women you actually want to date online, you’ll need a bigger selection pool. One where normal, hot girls go for reasons other than trying to meet their future ex-husband.

Enter: Facebook

Just hit up all the hot chicks you see in your buddies’ networks and something’s gotta stick, right?

Easy there, tiger. With Facebook being a legit social network, it’s easier than ever to make a complete ass out of yourself and tick off not only your friends, but friends of friends. Before you know it, people who’ve never even met you think you’re an uber-creepy psycho-stalker with the social skills of that chimp that ate a lady’s face off.

So before you hit the poke button on your cousin’s roommate’s sister’s profile, here are some surprising do’s and don’ts that will sharpen your Facebook game and separate you from all the chumps.

1. Profile Photos

What most guys do:
Guys actively trying to meet people on Facebook often post photos of themselves that they think women will like. We’ve all seen the Jersey Shore wannabe taking a photo with his shirt off in the bathroom mirror. While we guys have no problem with the ladies showing skin, that’s a big no-no. Further, if your profile albums consist solely of you slamming beer bongs with your frat brothers and watching football games (while slamming beer bongs with your frat brothers), you’ll be lumped in with every other boring dude who she’s met, either on Facebook or in real life. Fail.

What YOU will do:
Select your profile photos showing a fun, diverse lifestyle that she’ll want to be a part of.  In my Facebook profile, I’ve got photos of me hanging out in other countries, riding an ostrich, doing my radio show, hanging out with guys and girls, my parents, me as a baby, dune buggying, in goofy costumes, etc. All this shows an interesting and varied lifestyle that she can see herself enjoying right along with me. If I have a photo of me that might seem a bit braggy, I give it a funny caption to lighten it up so I don’t look like I’m showing off or taking myself too seriously.

2. Profile Data

What most guys do:
Most guys are scared to make any waves when listing their hobbies and interests. The logic here is that if they cast a wide enough net, then they’ll get the most positive responses. Unfortunately, this is the Facebook equivalent of wearing pleated dockers. Nothing says run-of-the-mill like a guy who’s only interested in baseball and the Dave Matthews Band.

What YOU will do:
Be specific and brutally honest about what you like, do, and are interested in. For example, coaches and program alumni here at The Art of Charm have dozens of eclectic bands, languages and events in their interest lists, often to the point where an occasional purge is necessary. From quotes to travel to books and movies, the more you share, the easier it is for women to find and connect with you, and for you to screen in women with whom you may actually develop real rapport. Oh, and if your profile still says that you’re looking for “random play,” you won’t be getting any, so change it to “friendship” and leave it there.

3. Status Updates

What most guys do:
“My job sucks. My boss is such a dick and the place where I live is so boring! Can’t wait to get hammered this weekend in a closet with the dude who lives in my garage.” Nothing says ‘boring loser’ like someone whose status updates are consistently negative and pedestrian. When it comes to scaring off high-quality women, there are few ways more effective than to bring them down with your emotional baggage.

What YOU will do:
Add value. If you don’t have something to say that is unique, interesting, or just flat-out hilarious, then don’t say anything at all. Seriously, having no status updates is better than bitching and moaning followed by 17 check-ins at Blockbuster Video. Every single status update that I post adds value to those in my newsfeed in some way. Let’s take a look at the last 5 that I’ve posted over the last couple of days (I post a maximum of twice a day, usually less):

>> Got a haircut in NYC. DURING MY HAIRCUT, one of the barbers gets arrested for (wait for it) allegedly raping an 85-year-old woman.
‎>> “Ahhh, I see you’re admiring my zebra-print vest,” said no one ever.
>>Yep! I’ll be taking some Viagra before heading through airport security today. Enjoy that pat-down TSA!
>> RT @boobsradley I think it would be funny if the *last* rule of Fight Club was, “Most importantly: have fun!”
>> RT @fireland Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

(Note that these last two are re-posts from other people’s Twitter accounts. You don’t have to think of all this stuff yourself, as long as you give credit where it’s due.)

4. Facebook Flirting

What most guys do:
Send bold private messages or post weak come-ons and compliments on her Facebook wall, and/or chat-stalk her every time she logs in. Not only does every chump do this in a desperate effort to gain favor and attention, but it reeks of neediness and low social value. Guys who do this are super transparent and women know that they can rarely, if ever, back up their statements even if she took them up on it.

What YOU will do:
Unless you know her in person already and you’ve flirted before, do not flirt with her on her wall. This is the equivalent of when you wrote a girl that love note in sixth grade and regretted it until high school graduation. Flirting is private, not something for her entire social circle and cadre of jealous ex-boyfriends to see.

When you do message her, keep it lighthearted and funny. Comment on something in her profile, or even send something completely nonsensical. Some of my favorites involve mentioning bands or movies that few other people like, languages we both speak, etc. I usually joke about Facebook-stalking and simply admit I was bored at work and she caught my eye while I was hitting up one of our mutual friends on Facebook.

If she’s interested, she’ll answer. If not, save your dignity by leaving her alone. Rest assured, she got your message, and if she wanted to answer you, she would. Many women are not yet comfortable meeting guys on Facebook, and often it’s a solid move to have your mutual friends set something up on the sly if possible.

This should get you started. If you apply the principles above, you’ll already be in the top 90th percentile of guys out there in terms of generating attraction and keeping her interested via Facebook. That’s at least a fighting chance, and you can hone your skills from there. Game on!

Jordan Harbinger is a Wall Street lawyer turned Social Dynamics expert and coach.  He is the owner and co-founder of The Art of Charm, a dating and relationships coaching company.  If you dig this and want to learn more from Jordan and The Art of Charm team, then visit http://www.theartofcharm.com.  You can also interact with Jordan on Facebook.

 

 

 

 

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