Sex. Drugs. Rock ‘n Roll. Who wouldn’t want to get a piece of that action, eh? The women want you no matter how you treat them and they are not in short supply. Everyone wants to hang with you and plus you make sick money for doing things generally frowned upon in society. Yeah, go ahead and sign us up to be a rock star. However, there is that little problem many of us have — it’s called the ‘not it factor’. That little something that is anti-rock star when you are being yourself. To overcome this hurdle, as in everything else in life, you must cheat your way through. You can be a rock star. By pretending.
Choose Your Rock Star
Rock stars come in many looks and varied fashion senses. You can go 70’s David Crosby and sport a huge ‘stache, or you can go 80’s Poison and get a wig teased for 72 hours. 90’s grunge worked for all those Seattle dudes, and Marilyn Manson was…okay, that may not be the way to go. You do have to go with a style you can pull off on your own (fat dude + mullet = Meat Loaf) or get the proper attire, accessories, hair stuff, and shades to dress it up. A rock star both mimics previous styles of rock stars before them, yet also creates their own spin on it. Think of it like a Ken doll, rock star-style.
If your particular rock star would have an accent, nail that thing and never waver from it. Or lose your bad accent if you have one. Even when the officer has the light shined in your sunglass-covered eyes. Never break the character of your rock star. If you fully commit the entire time you are out and about, people won’t doubt you.
Rock stars are decked out with accessories, and we’re not talking about the strippers on their arms. Rings with skulls on them always seem to be a good choice — with a ring sporting a symbol you can pass off as having a meaning thrown in. Necklaces can be a few or as little as one, but that one has to be a cross. We don’t know why, but crosses can be found on more rock stars across the globe than Catholics (note: no actual data to prove this). Sunglasses are a must for any rock star, so get yourself a really cool pair. 7-11 has some decent shades, FYI. Make sure to tie a bandana or two somewhere on your person. One around the knee or elbow can work. Around the wrists and ankles are also rock star choices. Some kind of chain should run from your belt to your pocket (a set of handcuffs are even better).
Also, always make sure to have a random accessory that makes people wonder WTF is up. Maybe not Dude Lady GaGa extreme — unless that’s your thing — but wear something or carry something. A bullwhip wrapped around your arm. A Barbie doll head hanging from a bracelet. A cane with a beer cane as a handle. All of these are unique, but are something a rock star would be seen wearing to a party or carrying around. A final accessory will be the tattoos. You may have some already, but Tommy Lee yourself up good. You can buy fake tattoos almost anywhere now, but ordering them on-line is best. Make sure to get the professional kind that does not disappear for two weeks unless you apply alcohol. They take about 45 seconds each to take hold and look legit. And a pretend rock star has to look legit.
Rock star outfits come in all shapes and sizes. Just take Angus Young, for instance. While we don’t suggest you wear that, he can pull the getup off because he can play the axe like no one’s business. And you are just pretending you can. If you have the lower body to pull it off, leather pants can draw rock star attention. Jeans will also work — holes in them if you are a metal guy — especially if you are attending a black tie affair. Rock stars don’t do tuxes, they wear whatever the hell they want to wear.
For your upper half, no shirt, if you can roll like that. But keep a jacket nearby to get in the club. It’s a health code thing. If you employ a tee-shirt for your night, it needs to make some sort of statement. Like a middle finger printed across it. If your rock star persona is going more in the Prince direction, fine something with silk and sequins. Somehow that has worked for Prince in the hot chick department for decades. We’re scratching our heads, too. Your footwear should also match your overall rock star. Don’t wear snake skin boots if you are going more in the Eminem direction — okay, he’s not a rock dude, but you get the point. The shoe needs to go with the persona or you’ll be exposed. Lastly, you need to rock something on your dome. A cowboy hat (white tiger skin, of course), a fedora, a bandana — whatever it is, real rock stars like the head to be covered. That’s why you don’t see too many tennis visors in rock videos.
Your hair is a vital piece to pretending to be a rock star. The hair bands of the 80’s are prime examples of this. You may have some long hair now, but it hasn’t done a thing for you. Tease it like there is no tomorrow and empty a can of hair spray on it. Or shave it down and leave a sweet mohawk. But for most of us, we have the boring short, to short-ish hair. That means it’s wig time. There are many places around most towns to get a passable wig and certainly many more on-line to order. Pick the proper wig that goes with the “pretend” you and then take some time fitting it.
If you aren’t familiar with securing a wig to your head, seek out a hair stylist (aka, some 21-year-old chick working at Fantastic Sam’s). Wigs are held to your head by sticking bobbie pins…which chicks like your mom stick in their hair. They go through the wig’s netting and then slides through your real hair to secure everything in place. Hurts like hell (yes, we pretend we are rock stars on occasion, we know this fact), but who said being a rock star was not painful? That’s why the booze has a purpose. If you are bald or balding, there are a few different glues you can use. Not the Elmer’s paste you know from kindergarten, but spirit gum works and only gives your scalp some mild burning. If you are completely shaved bald, maybe think about going out in all your shaved glory. Some rock stars do it that way.
Have an Entourage
In reality, you may not have friends, hot chicks who want to hang out with you, or even a cousin who will take your calls. But every rock star has an entourage — let’s set the low end to at least five people you will need — so you will have to get on it. However, if you are a dude with lots of friends and semi-confident, but still are pretending to be a rock star, check this out for entourage assistance. Real-life places to look for friends to be your entourage are, well, everywhere. Work is a good place to start. Your mom’s church always seems to be a place where people are dying to make bad decisions. That dude you workout with who farts when he benches. But one of the best places to go fishing for an entourage is…within an entourage. Confused? Don’t be. We’re talking the lines of people outside a club that know they’re not getting in for a while because more important people they want to hang with have already packed the place with luckier party peeps. Many of them have already had a little sumthin’-sumthin’ from a bottle of alcohol and are ready to get the party started. Stroll the line and start making friends. Then suggest they head over with your ‘crew’ at a spot you know. You’ll be dressed like a rock star, talking like a rock star, and they’ll be ready to rock ‘n roll. Instant entourage.
Make sure to have a couple of hot ladies in the group, though. You know the type. The ones that is flaunting the cleavage like it will be outlawed next week. They are out to have a good time and here is a (pretend) rock star inviting them to hang. It works. Trust us, we’ve done this. You may have to hit several places to complete your entourage, but when you are fashionably late to the place you are going, you will have your posse in tow.
Do Some Bad Boy Stuff
Try not and get arrested. The professionals tell us that it goes on your permanent record and makes it hard to get hired at real jobs. Plus, your dad gets pissed when he has to bail you out at four in the morning while you have a partially-ripped wig on your head complimented by leather pants. But being rude to the nerds and hitting on the cocktail waitresses are rock star moves. Head-butting a wall isn’t recommended, but tackling a Christmas tree is highly recommended. Shrubbery can also be substituted if it’s not Christmas time.
Don’t throw glass at anyone or spray paint the wall of the club. Taking a swim in a public fountain is probably illegal (it is), but this is a harmless bad boy/rock star move. We’re saying be safe, but pump some life into the party. Or even into the grocery store you are shopping in as a pretend rock star. Cursing like a rock star at a high volume never hurt anyone, right?
10 Bonus Tips
Follow these additional tips to complete your quest of pretending to be a rock star:
– Drop names of other celebs/rock stars you have partied with when you are in public or at an event. Even fake text them and take fake phone calls from them during the evening. (note: rock stars are like vampires: they do not come out during the day)
– It’s 3:30 am. Keep saying it’s an early night for you tonight because you have a 6:00 am for Tokyo (unless you are in Tokyo). Your stoopid manager set it up.
– Drink from the bottle. And we’re not talking beer. No matter where you are.
– Give the middle finger in every picture that is snapped around you. On second thought, hire a photographer to take pics of you everywhere you go. Then give finger as suggested.
– Out of nowhere, claim to have had several threesomes and ask for stories form others’ experiences.
– Buy a round of drinks for your fallen rock star (OD’d), then skip out on the bill.
– Act like you are either confused about where you are or what’s going on/pissed off at having to be there/communicating through your entourage.
– Keep mentioning the “old days” where being a rock star meant something.
– Avoid all questions concerning what your music is. If they don’t know your stuff, they don’t deserve to talk to you.
– Burn something.