Fine. She cooks for you, washes your underwear, is your designated driver, and allows you to watch Revenge of the Nerds. Every. Single. Day. She’s great and you are lucky to have her. Now what to do about those shortcomings? If on the infamous 1-10 rating system she falls in the middle, there are a few genius moves you can make to raise your lady’s sexy profile. And she’ll be none the wiser. Because let’s face it. You can’t do any better.
While a paper bag on her head or lipo might be a more attractive option, we’ve got a few more sutble and field tested tricks to take your lady to at least an 8 rating.
Swallow your Hot Dog on a Stick combo meal and your pride. It’s amazing how a simple compliment can make her hold her head a little higher, and make her breasticle section a little more perky. A safe bet is to tell her how nice her hair looks or ask if she’s lost some weight. However, steer away from compliments during her time of the month. This is akin to traipsing figuratively through a minefield (a minefield made of screaming, hormonal mines that just want a hug-and-to-be-left-alone).
Buy her some high heels. Like, every week. High heels are in the top five of The Greatest Iinventions of All Time — along with thongs, beer, air conditioning, and Sponge Bob. Even if her ass has gotten a bit dumpy over the years, the high heel boost will give it a lift and elongate her legs. One day a genius inventor will figure out how to permanently afix stilettos to women‘s feet. That’s the world we want to live in.
We’re huge fans of make-up. Not too much, mind you, because then we start having flashbacks to the first time we went to the circus (terrifying). But make-up can do wonders to mask the grossness, er, minor blemishes that may pepper your gal’s otherwise average face. Suggesting she wear more make-up is a request to never receive blowies again, so you have to be crafty. Buy her a trip to the spa where they finish things off by doing her make-up for her. Then compliment the living hell out of how great she looks. You’ll be a hero for buying her the spa gift, and for showering her with compliments. She’ll be so happy, she’ll keep the make-up going on and on for eternity.
Paint it Black
Everyone looks better in black. Yeah, probably even you. So make sure your girl never leaves the house in anything other than a black dress, black shirt, or black pants. Again, you will have to bring on the gifts to get her stocked up with blackness, but she’ll look much better than in the orange moo-moo she was going to wear for date night at Dairy Queen (Ed. note: Butterfinger Blizzard like a mo’fucka).
A woman’s hair is always an issue. Your chick’s been rocking the Blair for over a decade and it’s time someone set to work on that feathered erection killer. While you can’t properly suggest she get a new style, you can employ subliminal weaponry to get your point across. Conveniently leaving magazines open showing a shot of Megan Fox on the red carpet or Jennifer Connelly in her latest film where your ladyfriend will see them is a good start. Also make sure to drop hints in everyday conversation, like "All the ladies at work are going crazy about this new Kate Gosselin hairstyle. I don’t even know who she is, but they say it makes her look ten years younger." Signing her up for hairstyle magazines is also an option, but it could backfire if she opts for the Lori Petty.
Get Her Sweaty
That extra twenty on her thighs isn’t going to disappear on its own. While buying her a membership to the gym is out of the question, you can get her ass moving in other ways. Unfortunately, you will need to get your own ass moving as well, but it’s for a good cause — making your girl less ugly. You have to plan ‘outings’ with her that involve something other than her watching "Oprah" and eating Twinkies. Hikes, bike rides, or long walks are good because she will think you are doing it to just spend time with her. Preface everything with your own desire to be more healthy, but you want to spend time with her and ask if she’ll come along. She won’t believe how lucky she is to have found a man who wants to hang out with her — and you will be smiling on the inside at every calorie she burns.
Become Wolfgang Puck
Don’t literally become him. Whatever kind of franken-science that would require is more than you need to do. We know your cooking prowess probably ends with microwaving Spahgetti-O’s, but you need to become the cock of the kitchen (wait for it…) wok if your chick is going to improve her looks. We’re not talking about making grilled cheese sandwiches or beer-battered chicken strips. Healthy is the name of this game here. Yep. Salads, friend. Get used to them. When dining out at your local Applebee’s, make sure to get a diet soda and a small salad. There’s no way she’ll order a burger after that. (Ed. Note: Watch your back in the parking lot. You will likely get your ass kicked for this order).
Once again, you will need to buy her something. This time it’s clothes. And this time, you will intentionally buy one to two sizes smaller. Chicks are proud creatures and won’t return the gift because her ass is too big. She’ll do lunges and eat only asparagus for two weeks in order to squeeze into the outfit. Some may say this is a cruel move. We say it’s serving mankind by making your chick a little hotter.