Recently I adopted a dog. Maybe you’ve got a dog too. Maybe you don’t. Anyway, sometimes my dog barks at me. A lot. (See the picture. That’s my dog, Mackie.) I’ve started responding to her. Below are my favorite things to say to her when she’s barking at me. If you ever encounter a barking dog, feel free to try these out. You know, rather than barking back. (Note to ASPCA: these are just jokes.)

“There’s no need to cuss.”

“I never said that.”

“You’re twisting my words!”

“Don’t you ever talk about my sister like that!”

“You know I don’t speak German!” [Hat tip: Anchorman]

“No, you cannot have tacos for lunch. Because I said so!”

“Well, screw you, I like Tom Cruise movies!”

“OK, now that was out of line!”

“I think you’re being way too simplistic. The Middle East is very complicated.”

“That’s impossible. I wasn’t even in town last Thursday.”

“Oh, my mother’s a bitch? Your mother’s a bitch!”