You know when you sign up to do something on a lark, and then the day comes and you would literally rather die than do the thing? That’s what happened when I grudgingly attended a political rally for Donald Trump in Springfield, Illinois last night. Trump brought his sideshow to a state dealing with the endless shitstorm that began last year when we elected a successful businessman with no political experience, Governor Bruce Rauner. Sound familiar?
Now we’re nearly six months into a budget impasse where Governor Rauner is playing gangster and holding state services hostage until the democratic legislature agrees to his non-budget related agenda. But please, Mr. Trump, tell us how you will “Make American Great Again.”
I sat back and observed just another small skidmark on the history of the great United States of America, hoping and praying that we wake up from our privileged, pandered-to hypnosis before it’s too late. Here are 10 things I noticed. And before I begin: No, Mr. Trump, I am not menstruating.
1. Surprisingly, you didn’t need to enter through a “big, beautiful” door to get into the rally. In fact, they literally did not even look at my ticket. But to be fair, I am white. But I’m also a woman. So, kind of a toss-up for the Trumpster.
2. Trump had papers on the lectern, but I’m not sure what those were for because I discerned no logical outline connecting the diarrhea of thoughts streaming from his brain. It was sort of like a Faulkner novel, in that there was no punctuation and most of it made no fucking sense.
3. It was the only political event I have been to where they sold draft beer and nachos. And hats with Reaganesque phrases. Perhaps I should have gotten one so that I can look back in 30 years, remember how much of America was championing the host of The Apprentice to be the next president and say, “Ha ha ha, that was a silly time.”
4. To Trump’s credit, his speech was far more comical than his performance on Saturday Night Live last weekend.
5. The three minorities in attendance were swiftly kicked out after starting a super catchy “Deport Trump” chant. Trump handled it by saying, “Get out of here!” which registered as eerie foreshadowing.
6. Trump took a strong stance on Oreos. “Not a fan.” He also insisted Chicago is a total dump.
7. He also dislikes the new red Starbucks holiday cups. “If I become president, we’re all going to be saying Merry Christmas again!” The crowd went wild. Quite the platform.
8. Syrian refugees = ISIS. Perhaps one of Trump’s advisors should tell him they change their name as much as Puff Daddy, and it’s ISIL now.
9. Trump explained that he simply has no time to be politically correct. Guess he spends all of it on his coiffure?
10. If I learned anything from this rally, it’s that you really can be whatever you want to be. As long as you’re a rich white guy.