We here at MadeMan.com sometimes refer to the internet as “he”, “him”, “she”, “that dude”, “God”, “the queen”, and “bitch”. We’re sure you agree that the internet has become a being of its own since Al Gore pushed it out of his vagina, er, brain. This notion — which some call delusion — got us to thinking. What if the internet was a being and could do cool things? Like design a house or fashion a weapon out of a tooth brush? Since the internet is a bizarre entity full of ideas spawned by billions of possibly-drunk, likely-insane people, the things it would create from all of its vast knowledge would be, well, something special.

We wanted to explore this idea a little further and threw a dart at our daily lives. And we landed on restaurants. Ask yourself: What sort of restaurant would the internet own? We think we found some of the answers. Except these were actually created by human beings. We think.

Nom Nom Truck

And luckily, they are hiring! Even in this economy, the internet has created a must-try/must-find-a-john-quickly mobile restaurant. We say mobile because it is a giant truck stocked with your favorite…Vietnamese tacos? Sure, we all remember enjoying those at Grandma’s house around the Christmas tree with a tall glass of milk, but who knew it would start to take off. The internet showed us its beauty when churning out this brilliant idea by combining random things throughout history. Vietnam. Tacos. A truck. Delicious. Om nom nom nom nom nom!

Where to find this Gem: Where else? Los Angeles.

Modern Toilet

Yes, we know you just laughed, but someone/something actually did create this concept for a restaurant — and brought it to fruition. The concept is eating while you shit, although you are not really dropping a deuce. We hope. This place has chairs only made of real toilets, tables with toilets and sinks under them, and maybe the best feature, you get to eat out of dishes shaped like bed pans and mini-toilets. We don’t advise ordering the chocolate ice cream, by the way. Imagine the google word search that created this internet concept? Are you thinking what we’re thinking? It starts with two girls…

Where to find this Gem: Taipei

Restaurant in the Sky

Nothing like choking down your creme brule while trying not to fall to your death. This is a giant table on a platform that seats upwards of thirty people, has several servers and a chef. It can come with TV screens, heating, and lights. The whole circus is then hoisted 150 feet in the air where you can enjoy eating while hoping the four cables suspending you from the crane do not snap. Or that a flock of geese do not fly into your soup. If you don’t want to do dinner, the contraption is also available for weddings, business meetings, and bat mitzvahs.

Where to find this Gem: All over the world. It’s for rent.

Undersea Restaurant

This place is in a Hilton and is basically a glass submarine that people can eat in. Nothing like watching sea turtles have sexy time above your head while you are digging into your filet mignon. This is a prime example of what would result if the internet was able to create and own restaurants. The spot is 16 feet below the Indian Ocean and the cost is upwards to $220 per person. As expected, the concept of eating seafood while seafood is watching you eat them is taking off. A burger joint is now in the works set in the middle of a cow pasture full of cows. Okay, we have no proof of that, but could be true.

Where to find this Gem: The Hilton Maldives, Rangali Island. 

Buns ‘n Guns

Maybe this should be categorized in the “If the Internet was a Terrorist” feature, but it has mad merit here, too. It’s a restaurant designed to look like a military bunker complete with sandbags and mesh. Real weapons and ammo decorate the walls and the dishes range from The B-52 and Kalashnikov, to the Viper. And yep, you guessed it. There’s no soothing music playing in the background while you wash down your terrorist bread (they do call it that). Here, your chow can digest to the sound of gunfire. A place thought up in crazy world can only have one slogan: “A sandwich can kill you.”

Where to find this Gem: Beruit.

The Robot Restaurant

This is not the real name of the place, but it was nicknamed this by patrons when they realized that the owners were robots sent by the internet — from the future — to never sleep and work in a restaurant from 6am until 3am every day. After some investigating, it turns out that it is run by two couples, both identical twins, each with a kid that also looks exactly alike. We’re still suspicious that the internet cloned one couple in some evil scheme to get around labor laws, but the couples claim that they are the old love cliche of identical twins marrying one another and then starting an eatery. Serving up a nice dish of creepy almost ‘round the clock.

Where to find this Gem: China. There goes our labor laws theory.

The Clink

90% of our searches involve the word ‘prison’, because it fascinates us. Well, our internet was paying attention because presto! — now there is a restaurant in a real prison. Not just the mess hall where you have to pick worms out of the prison hash, this is actually a high class joint. You will have to give up any metal objects at the door — cell phone, shoe strings, or anything that could be used to kill you — before security will escort you through the gray halls and cells to the dining area. Uneasy yet? Well, just wait until you realize the dining staff are all criminals. So if you receive your steak a little undercooked, we suggest you suck it up and eat it. You can live with a tape worm. A shiv to the spleen is a little harder to overcome.

Where to find this Gem: Surrey. That’s in the UK, by the way.