I talked it over with my wife this weekend and have decided that I will go ahead and make my offer for the Tribune Co. I’ve decided to make an offer of $37 a share or $8.8 billion for the whole thing. I spent a good 3 or 4 hours contemplating whether or not to make an official offer for the company and have come to the conclusion it would be a good move for family and I plan to go ahead and make the offer public. Here are the reasons I am going to buy the Tribune Co.
1. I like the Cubs. How cool would it be to actually own them? Forbes says they’re worth half a billion but I bet they are worth 50% more than that if I wanted to sell them. Don’t worry, I’m not going to sell a World Series champion. Yes, I will buy them and they will win the World Series this year( see how below). Also, as the new owner I will have two announcements. 1. Mark Grace is the new manager/first baseman. 2. I will DH one at bat in all AL/NL series.
2. As for the Tribune, I will revert back to the experiment in which the paper had the same layout as the Sun-Times. It is so much easier to read while I’m driving to work. I also will add a “Page 3” topless girl to each edition and make a huge celebrity section that is heavy on rumor and gossip. This will surely sell.
3. I will sell the LA Times to Geffen for $2 billion. I will also sell anything and everything to do with the WB but keep WGN. I’ll take the cash and put it back into the Cubs lineup. I told you I WILL win the World Series and I think a $2 Billion payroll should get it done this coming year.
4. I will concentrate on the Programming division to ensure we bring out the greatest shows on TV. Lots of gameshows, cop and lawyer dramas, and tons of British shows madeover to play to the American audience. I will also have a “You Tube” division that will create tons of worthless, timewasting crap for people to watch.
5. I’ll sell all CBS stations because they suck. I’ll also break all the rules and have “The best of” TV stations that show the most popular show at that given time, regardless of broadcaster. ie. Grey’s Anatomy, Scrubs, American Idol. I’ll combine all the stations that are owned by Tribune and make the real “superstation” It should really help the advertising revenue.
6. Most Importantly, I will hire Kevin Bacon. He knows EVERYONE in the business. At least indirectly he does.