posted
06/2/11
Now that the smoke has cleared from the firestorm over the gay slurs uttered by Kobe Bryant, Joachim Noah and Braves pitching coach Roger McDowell, we’re left with questions about what it all means for the average guy just trying to get along in the world. While sports often mirror life, real guys we talked to have more tolerant opinions.
“I’m a gay man and I see no problem with homophobes,” says Jonathan Jones, 33, of Chicago. “They are just speaking their minds. We want the players to play for our entertainment but not have enough balls to speak their minds. Too many in this country want everything nice and easy and don’t like having to deal with things.”
“Everyone’s sexuality is their own business,” adds Michael Waldo, 23, of Orlando. “I had several gay friends in the military and I didn’t think any differently about them, as long as they did their part of the work. I don’t understand how men can be mad at homosexuals. If anything they should be ecstatic—it means more women for us!”
For more perspective, we turned to an expert, Amy Alpine, PhD, a Seattle-based psychotherapist and sexologist. Here, she sheds some light on the controversy and how to handle your own feelings.
MADE MAN: In the past several weeks, two jocks and one ex-jock have been slapped down for uttering gay slurs. In 2011, does their behavior surprise you?
AMY ALPINE: No. It is a typical male fear to be perceived as anything less than a macho, tough guy who never has to ask for help and doesn’t appear weak. Unfortunately, that’s what our society presses upon young men. For jocks, it doesn’t have to do with homosexuality; it has to do with trying to call somebody weak. Like when you say someone throws or runs like a girl.
MM: Was the response (big fines for Bryant and Noah and suspension for McDowell) appropriate?
AA: Yes. Like any kind of racial or gender or sexuality slur, you have to have consequences to that to say it’s not OK to say derogatory things about somebody that has a history and is used to oppression. We still have to fight these fights. We have to move to the direction of equality.
MM: At the same time, the Suns’ GM recently came out. How far do you think we are from an active player in a major U.S. sport coming out?
AA: I think there are a lot of closeted people who are very famous and for them to come out and stand tall is helpful for everybody, for our society to realize that there are these people that we worship, that we’re enamored with, that we strive to be … that homosexual is as normal as heterosexual.
MM: Do you think pro athletes feel threatened by homosexuality more than the average guy does?
AA: Yes, because they fear they will lose their friends, their fan base and the respect of the other players.
MM: What triggers such negative reactions from some heterosexual men when they are complimented or hit on by a gay man?
AA: I think it’s that fear of being perceived as gay, and the connotation that gay means weak or feminine and the opposite of the macho, tough, and able to handle anything. Male homosexuality is less accepted than lesbianism. Men appreciate that. Most porn that’s viewed is girl on girl.
MM: What does a guy’s intrinsic reaction to being hit on say about his sexuality?
AA: There’s research that, typically, if you’re homophobic, you have some tendencies toward homosexuality. Interestingly, since sexuality is fluid, we all have the tendency but we don’t want to be called out. If you have a vehement reaction, it may be because there’s something in the past. Those who flip out, it may be a sign of shame about their own sexuality or desires. Those who are flattered are more confident and comfortable with their sexuality.
MM: What’s the best way for a straight guy to handle getting hit on by a gay man?
AA: Kiss him on the lips and say thank you.
[Note: We didn’t think that answer was too realistic, so we asked Jones. He said he’d rather hear: “ ‘Buddy, I’m not into that.’ Just be plain and simple. Or you can say, ‘I’m flattered, but I’m not into it.’ ”]
MM: How can a heterosexual man tell if he is truly secure with his sexuality?
AA: If they are open. Sex is about pleasure, so the more we can be open to exploration, I think the better off we are. To be secure is to be open.
COMMENTS
June 2, 2011 10:59 am
Sean
The only thing I disagree with is about homosexuality being a fear for straight men. I just feel that’s a women speaking for men about what she thinks goes through our minds. Sometimes women think they know exactly how we feel or think, and in reality they don’t. Honestly, I don’t have a problem with homosexuals, but I just don’t feel comfortable with sexual contact from someone of the same sex. I have friends that are gay and they respect my choices of not wanting to be that close to them; but if it’s a guy that is ‘hitting’ on me, I don’t enjoy that at all because I am attracted to women. I don’t see men at all like the way I see women, so in the end it’s not ‘fear’, it’s just the fact that we don’t enjoy it.
She also goes on to say that men want to act “macho, touch, and can do anything.” That doesn’t mean we are trying to say we aren’t homosexual because there are homosexuals that act and do the same things. A homosexual doesn’t have to be feminine, and I feel Amy Alpine is just thinking on how she feels guys think. These ‘jocks’ have such high self-esteem that they think they are better than anybody, not only homosexuals or them trying to hide their homosexuality because they aren’t. Calling someone ‘gay’ doesn’t only mean that person is saying “oh, you’re homosexual!!!” NO! There are different ways that people use it like saying something is ‘stupid’ or ‘dumb’, and those references don’t also mean that we think gay people are dumb and stupid. It’s just like using the word ‘retarded’, people don’t always use that as a reference to the mentally retarded people.
I just feel that homosexuals are maybe the insecure ones that let themselves take offense to the way people use those terms.
June 2, 2011 11:11 pm
Amy Alpine PhD
I appreciate apprehension when a woman discusses a man’s feelings. I too question men who think they know what women think. Fortunately, in addition to my training as a clinician, I have had the privilege of working with many men honest enough to tell me they feel pressured into appearing macho, tough and able to do anything. I did not say “homosexuality is a “fear for straight men” I said, “it is a typical male fear to be perceived as anything less than a macho, tough guy who never has to ask for help and doesn’t appear weak. Unfortunately, that’s what our society presses upon young men. For jocks, it doesn’t have to do with homosexuality; it has to do with trying to call somebody weak. Like when you say someone throws or runs like a girl.”
The definition of machismo or machoism is prominently exhibited or excessive masculinity. I completely agree that homosexual men “act and do the same things.” I do not believe openly gay men are feeling the same societal pressure as straight men. They have had to deal with the overriding difficulties associated with coming to terms with their sexuality and coming out. Homosexual men are not inherently effeminate. The use of “gay” as a derogatory term does however refer to a male exhibiting feminine characteristics. I further agree that calling someone “gay” does not mean “oh, you’re a homosexual.” I do believe calling someone “gay” with the intent to offend is casting aspersions on their character. Most athletes involved in contact sports have learned how important it is to psych their opponent out. Questioning a person’s gender identity is intended to be, at the very least, annoying. At most it is intended to be embarrassing and shameful.
June 5, 2011 2:43 pm
Sean
Thanks for the response and you’re interest in my post, Amy. I am taking a class right now called sports and society and one of the current topics deals with this article. Regards to your response, the misunderstanding that I ran into when I thought of it as a fear for straight men shows that, I too like many others, am not fully understanding how men are perceived in society. I have seen many people and even myself a few times become a victim of not having enough masculinity or masculine aggression. Reading your response really helped me out in my class discussions and I thank you for that!
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