The holidays just aren’t the holidays without a quick visit from the great David Koechner, aka Champ Kind from Anchorman, aka Todd Packer from The Office, aka Howard from the upcoming Krampus, a “family horror film” about the demonic brother of St. Nick. (No really.)

So while he was in New York to do some promotional work for Verizon Wireless, we grabbed a few minutes with the comic actor to pick his brain for the benefit of your own Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa list.

Here are Sir Koechner’s weird and wonderful gift ideas, broken down by members of your family.

“One year I gave my wife $3,000 cash. It was cash in an envelope, stuffed. There was a mix of twenties and hundreds and fives. That’s a good fucking gift.”

For everyone in the family:
“You know what a fun gift is? Something free. And on Wednesday—also known as Thanksgetting, which is a name I created—you can get something free from Verizon. You don’t even have to be a Verizon customer. That’s the remarkable thing. Free downloads, free movies. Do you need a lift? We’ll give you a free ride. Are you flying on Wednesday? We’re going to give you free in-flight wifi. And if you are a Verizon customer, then you get 1 gigabyte of data for free. All you gotta do is go to verizonwireless.com/thanksgetting and you’ll get all these things. People love to get stuff. It’s like pre-Christmas!”

For your children or nieces and nephews:
“I would say books. Reading is the key to life. It unlocks your brain and gives you the ability to win in life. I try to force the classics on my kids, but as long as they’re reading, I’m happy. Wuthering Heights is a great book. Anything from the Bronte girls is good. My all-time favorite book is Stanley Elkin’s The Dick Gibson Show. The Living End is another great book by Elkin.”

For your significant other:
“One year I was working on a movie in Canada, and I saved up all my per diem. You get like a hundred dollars a day if you’re out of town. And I was able to get my wife $3,000 cash. I thought that was pretty good. Right? It was cash in an envelope, stuffed. There was a mix of twenties and hundreds and fives. That’s a good fucking gift.”

Also for your significant other:
“Day dates. This is what I gave my wife last year. I said once a week, we’re going to go out and play tennis or hike or something, just as a couple. And then have lunch. And so we did it a little bit and then it fell off. And she said, ‘That’s what I want. I want that all year long.’ Which is nice because you know what she wants? Time with me. Can you believe that?”

For your parents:
“Tickets to Krampus. It opens December 4th. It’s a holiday horror film with humor and heart. There’s no gore. It’s a family horror film if there is such a thing. Such a great cast. Adam Scott, Toni Collette, Allison Tolman, me. The kids are all great. Director Mike Dougherty is on point. It’s a tough thing to manage all these different tones in a picture, but he did an outstanding job. And I’m very proud of him.”

For your grandparents:
“A trip to New Zealand. We shot Krampus in New Zealand. I thought I would see a lot of sheep but I did not. I was in the city. Wellington. Beautiful city. Not a farm town. We were on the water. Gorgeous.”

For your siblings:
A Kansas City Royals jersey. I do this charity called Big Slick every year in Kansas City because I’m from Missouri. I host with Paul Rudd, Rob Riggle, Jason Sudeikis and Eric Stonestreet, who are from Kansas City. And we raised a million dollars each of the last two years for Children’s Mercy Hospital cancer research. It’s beautiful.

And so we partner with the Royals and play a charity game at Kaufman Stadium. And the last two years, I could feel something special was happening with this group of players. There was such great enthusiasm and they were having such a blast. For this year, they were just unstoppable. They were undeniable, you know? That’s really what it came down to, I think. So get a Royals jersey. You’ll feel like a king.”