Ed Hardy doesn’t run Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy is a tattoo artists that doesn’t tattoo living in San Francisco. Christian Audigier owns the rights to Hardy’s imagery and whores them out on the Ed Hardy clothing (and whatever) line. He did the same thing with Von Dutch. He took a motorcycle brand, stole it from motorcyclists, and gave it to horrible guys and girls like this. Basically just the worst kind of booty-calling, car-stereo-too-loud, gelled-up, fake watch’d, clubbing piece of human refuse you can imagine.

Now, Audigier has aborted the tattooed fetus that once was Ed Hardy’s small-scale tattoo brand into the hyper-comercialized version of Ed Hardy you almost puke at every time you see it today. But what you might not know is his sinister designs extend far beyond gold lame t-shirts and trucker hats. Below, find a number of absolutely awful Ed Hardy products for your schadenfreude.

Tasteless Michael Jackson Tribute

Audigier has taken it upon himself to honor the most taken advantage of person in history by taking advantage of him post mortem. Head over to the disgusting memorial page on the Ed Hardy site to see no text and no memorials. What you will find, though, is a hodgepodge of images “ripped from the headlines” in which Christian Audigier is leading his “friend” Michael around like a dope-sick, anorexic sloth covered in baking soda. One imagines Audigier pasting gold Swarvski crystals onto M.J.’s tomb to spell out “R.I.P. BRO” next to a giant dragon with a tiger head. Maybe he’d give the castket a fist bump after. Gross.

Ed Hardy Hand Sanitizer

Surely you feel a little dirty right now. Surely you feel like you’ve spent all night walking up and down the Las Vegas strip talking to your buddies about whether or not you should get a prostitute. But secretly, you’re hoping they say you shouldn’t because you definitely don’t have enough cash to get one anyway. And you’re also wondering if you have enough gel to get the very bottom edge of your new haricut just the right spikeness left. Clean up your life, dude.

Ed Hardy Pillowcases

Can you imagine a more nightmarish hellscape to rest your head on than a skull that’s on fire and spitting what appears to be lightning made out of ice? We can’t, but Audigier imagined exactly that and he calls it “Beautiful Ghost.” Sweet dreams!

Video NSFW

Ed Hardy Vodka

The only thing positive about this is that, theoretically, you could drink the entire bottle and the imagery printed on it would get so blurry you wouldn’t be throwing up in the face of poor fashion, just from the booze. The site doesn’t have an order form, but if his other products are any indication, you can buy it in a Nordstrom store for $249 or at a TJ Maxx for, like, $9.99.

Ed Hardy Water

It’s worth noting that the above picture is their actual ad. Thirsty after pounding all that vodka? We’re not surprised, and neither is Ed Hardy. That’s why he brings you Ed Hardy brand water, now with a sacrilegious endorsement from Buddha himself (lower right)! But, really, Buddah can’t touch an endorsement from Snoop.

Ed Hardy Tanning Lotion

Not feeling orange-y enough? Ed Hardy thought not. Well never fear, because he has designed a “natural deep bronzing Hawaiian formula with exotic oils & vitamins” to keep your upper chest area looking ostentatiously fake.