What on God’s green Earth could possibly outweigh a heaving pair of sweater kittens? Is there anything truly better than a perfectly curvaceous duo of dirty pillows? Can anything come close to matching the pleasure of driving a motorboat?
Surely not. But "Things Better Than Boobs" is not afraid of tackling such an enormous(ly sexy) question. Its author, Theodore Raspbury, no doubt spent thousands of painstaking hours hunched over in his laboratory observing and re-observing every possible permutation of the boob. He must’ve stared at so many boobs his eyes grew nipples.
But, at long last, he has come to his answer. Inside the cover of “Things Better Than Boobs,” you, dear reader, will find out just exactly what it is that is better than boobs. Trust us, you will be very surprised.
This is real. We know it looks like something from the mind of Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor on “Home Improvement”, but we promise you it exists, and it is for sale to the general public.
A gas-powered portable blender, AKA the Totally Portable TailGator, is something you buy just for the looks on your friends’ faces when you pull it out. We guarantee there will be much high-fiving. You’re out in the wilderness on a weekend camping trip with the guys, and at the end of the day you’ve all had just about enough of chasing Bigfoot.
But just when everyone’s ready to throw in the towel, you bring out your 24cc 2-stroke engine blender to whip up a pitcher. If the characters in Blair Witch had this, the final shot would have been them laughing and sipping daiquiris with the witch. The blender costs $299.95, and let’s not forget gas prices these days.
These days everybody’s flipping out over the Flip, the pocket-sized HD camcorder allowing people the world over to utilize high definition video on toddlers getting high and cats playing the keys. Whatever you use it for, this is a must have if you’re attempting to keep up with popular technology. Everybody is going to own one.
Except you. Because we’ve found something better that’s not even on the shelves yet. The Kodak Zi8, out next month, is the way you’re gonna want to go in mini HD camcorders. First off, the Zi8 has an SDHC card slot for convenient removable storage, which the Flip lacks. It’s also got an external microphone jack, so you’ll have clearer audio when secretly recording a villain’s confession to handily use against him at the last minute. Upload easily to YouTube or Facebook with the swing-out USB arm and become the next big thing on the Intrawebs.
Maybe most impressively, the Zi8 costs the same as a Flip ($180) but crushes its 720p with a whopping 1080p. That’s a lot of p (that’s what she said?). And with its built-in electronic image stabilization, you could strap this thing to your ferret’s head and it will look like Scorsese shot it. In fact, that might actually be his new technique.
Open your iTunes. Scroll through it. If most of your songs are titled “Unknown” or “Track 07,” you need to pay attention. If under ‘artists’ you have Eminem spelled “Em&em”, “M&M” and “sLiM ShAdyyy” listen up.
You need to download TuneUp, stat. Picture TuneUp as maid service for iTunes. It knocks gently on your door each morning and brings you fresh towels, makes your bed, and fixes all your id3 tags. For starters, it tags all your untitled or mislabeled tracks correctly, aligns artists who are listed with multiple spellings, and assigns album cover art to tracks lacking them. Sure, you could do it yourself, but that would require borrowing time and energy you’ve already devoted to downloading more untitled, misspelled, artless tracks. It’s a vicious cycle only TuneUp can right.
TuneUp also comes with something called Tuniverse, which will rest on the side of your iTunes window and bring you web content directly related to whatever you’re listening to such as live versions or music videos. You can download the free version, which gives you free Tuniverse and concert updates forever, but only 100 song clean-ups and 50 album covers (a.k.a. the Super 8 maid). Or you can buy Tune-Up Gold for a one-time fee of $29.95 (now we’re talking The Ritz).
One of the greatest things about buying a new computer is that fresh feeling of an untouched 250GB of hard drive space. It’s like you’re Columbus first setting foot in the New World.
Except your “people” are the first six seasons of “24”, all fourteen hundred installments of the “Now That’s What I Call Music” series, and about 200 gigs worth of Megan Fox pictures. You either need to start burning music to what Historians call “Compact Discs”, or you can go pick up an external hard drive. Luckily, right now Dell is offering a 20% discount on all external storage. But you better haul ass over there—the offer ends tomorrow, August 5th. Take down the code they give you and enter it at checkout when you’ve selected the external hard drive good for you. Hell, grab two while the offer lasts—you know you’re gonna need the space.
Our question to you: Why wouldn’t you want this? You’ve grilled steaks, burgers, hot dogs, chicken, fish… The only logical next step is meatballs. Why have these spherical delicacies been shunned by the outdoor cooker as long as they have?
The Meatball Grill Basket, by Williams-Sonoma, finally lets you give that meatball grinder an authentic grilled taste. The pin-sized holes are designed to allow the smoky flavor to seep in while they cook over the open flame. The perfect meatball was once solely attributed to fat Italian mothers. Now you can kick that stereotype in the jugular, light up some charcoal, and show the ladies what a real meatball tastes like. And don’t limit yourself to beef. Try pork, chicken, turkey, fish, veggies… Basically, anything that can be rolled into a ball and stuffed into this thing will be delicious. That’s a whole new dimension of grilling, for just $50 bucks.
Many people, at some point, want to live in NYC. For some, visiting for dinner, a show, and a few solicitations from crazy homeless people, is just not enough. To have a place in the city that never sleeps is a dream come true.
The only problem is, the rents are an effing nightmare. Fortunately, Daffy’s store is here to be your sugar daddy. The fashion retailer is offering an insane promotion in which consumers can enter to win a luxurious West Village apartment, normally priced at $7,000 a month. That’s seven and three zeroes. You could probably afford that if you freed up some money (AKA held up some liquor stores), but you don’t need to. By entering this Daffy’s contest, the place can be yours for just $700 a month. That’s seven and two zeroes. All you have to do is head down to the Daffy’s pop up store at One Seventh Avenue (also the location of the apartment) between July 23rd and August 14th and submit a 30-second video of why you should win.
Five finalists will be chosen, and one finalist will be voted in by the public, on September 16th. Good news: You don’t even have to sing for Paula Abdul.
To celebrate the 25th anniversary of the release of the wildly iconic, cult mega-hit, "Blade Runner," director Ridley Scott has revisited the raw footage to bring a whole new experience to the world of Rick Deckard–Blade Runner: Final Cut
Included in this steel briefcase of kitschy destruction is the following: Never-seen-before scenes, increased, 4k resolution, more lines, improved special effects, and you can bet your custom blasterthere’s going to be a ton of new director commentary. There are so many new features, in fact, that the entire set comes in 5 discs. There is a theatrical version, an unrated international version, a workprint version (the most unique of all cuts), a documentary about the making of the film, a disc of featurettes about the story, and the "final cut" version compliments of director Scott.
The whole kit and caboodle is selling on Amazon now for a dramatic 52% off. Trust us on this one, this commemorative package is no replicant. It’s the real deal.
Back in the day, you were limited to a few options for your laptop’s appearance: black, grey, and a slightly lighter shade of black and grey. We were living in a colorless world, like an "I Love Lucy" black and white episode without a brassy redhead.
That is all about to change, because Dell has finally concluded that the laptop is in serious need of a makeover. With over 200 colorful, new designs, the new Dells have more diverse looks than the late MJ! The designs were hand crafted by artists from around the world-so there’s a little something for everyone. You can browse all of them on Dell’s website’s Design Studio, and see how they’re classified into Art, Patterns, Classics, Colors, and their (PRODUCT)RED line, which helps raise money to fight AIDS in Africa (be cool and compassionate). Order a new Studio 15 or Studio 17 notebook and personalize it however you’d like. You can even still get it in the classic "Black", or if that’s just too boring—how about a lighter shade of black?
Who else is sick of seeing dudes in those MMA-esque, intricately designed t-shirts featuring things like crowned skeletons with feathered wings dancing in a ring of thorny roses and flames, and words in calligraphy like "Affliction" and "Erosion?"
We prefer our shirts simple but bold. Thankfully, Johnny Cupcakes has a new line of shirts featuring uncomplicated and cool logos, with designs influenced by pop-culture such as "Transformers" (the original cartoons), "The Goonies", "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", even "A Christmas Story." Classic. The shirts are great conversation starters for ladies looking to buy you drinks in a sea of shirts adorned with hyper-stylized, gold-flaked, fake family crests.
Johnny Cupcake tees go for around $35, and it should be noted that any company that has a picture of one of their models blowing hard into an old school Nintendo cartridge knows what they’re doing. Some people just get it, man.