To all future generations of men, we hereto set forth this article as a testament to the babes (i.e. attractive women, or whatever other euphemism you use to describe them in the future) that we judged to be the sexiest of the twenty-first century’s inaugural decade. As you read their names and ogle their pictures, you’ll probably ponder the following question: by what criteria did we choose the ladies that we thought ought be included from the Aughts?
Did we take opinion polls or make our judgments on any sort of rational, empirical data? Lord, no. Were other editors, cultural critics, photographers, or anyone else consulted? Once again, our laziness prevented us from doing any sort of in-depth research like that. Did we at least get an intern to pick women out of a hat? That could’ve worked, but no. After a tireless few days until spent poring through the Chickipedia archives until our eyes bled, we realized the whole thing is really subjective, anyway, so we picked the women that seemed to fit each year the best in terms of our own fond memories of arguing over the hotness/cultural significance of these women during our misspent youths.
Here are the hottest of the Aughts, two per year for all ten of those Bush-dominated years (President Bush, that is…not the other kind), and we’ve tried to sum up their significance in one to two sentences.
Hard to imagine that, at the beginning of the decade, Britney was the most famous female pop star on the planet. Now, she’s an example of fame gone awry, a series of mental breakdowns and bad relationships turning the coy dream of men everywhere into a tabloid footnote. Oh, what the Aughts have wrought. (She probably still wouldn’t want Christina Aguilera’s career, though.)
J-Lo’s ample posterior thrilled dudes at the beginning of the decade when it was featured prominently during the rise of her very successful music career. She’s lapsed back into obscurity, but our memories of her booty will never fade
The once and future queen of hot singers, Beyonce is still one of the most famous, respected, and gorgeous women around. Way back in 2001, she left Destiny’s Child (though she did remain bootylicious) to start her solo career, defining her status as a superstar in her own right. She’s also the one and only answer to all ninety-nine of Jay-Z’s problems.
Ms. Alba held a very high spot in almost every single hot babe list of the last decade, and she’s so ridiculously hot that she’s remained a Hollywood force despite a lack of critical success in her films and TV appearances. Her turn on the show Dark Angel ended in 2002, and that’s when her real career basically started. She’s basically the Anna Kournikova of actresses, and that’s not an insult. We sincerely hope that her hip-shaking cowgirl dance in Sin City still exists in the future as a example of the decade’s sexiest moments.
Adriana is easily one of the most famous Brazilian bombshells of the decade. After being contracted by Victoria’s Secret in 2000, she quickly became the equivalent of their MVP by opening Victoria’s fashion shows by 2002 in their famous “angels” campaign. She’s the hottest of the hottest lingerie models in the world, and any man would be lucky to see her angelic figure if they ever actually make it to the Pearly Gates. Hey, speaking of Brazilian bombshells, we should probably talk about…
Gisele is also a fantastically wealthy, elite Victoria’s Secret model who hails from Brazil and happens to be the highest paid model in the world. She earns millions of dollars simply for being gorgeous, and people rarely ever mispronounce her name as “Gazelle,” even though they probably should. She’s gained the most notoriety from being Tom Brady’s rebound chick who replaced Bridget Moynahan, his baby-mama six months removed from their relationship. Yes, future readers, Tom Brady really did just jump to Gisele as a second chick and we all hated him for it.
Ms. Jolie really hit her stride in 2003 after starring in several successful films, including the Tomb Raider series in which she flashed her tight bod in the picture above. Her relationship with Brad Pitt and all of their strange adoption policies kept her a tabloid mainstay throughout the decade, and thankfully she doesn’t wear a vial of blood around her neck anymore like she used to when she was with Billy Bob Thornton.
The gorgeous Rosario rose to fame after being featured earlier in the late nineties when she was cast as Jesus Shuttlesworth’s (Ray Allen) love interest in Spike Lee’s He Got Game, but by the time she starred in his film 25th Hour, she was a full-fledged movie star. She also just has a really pretty name; always a plus.
Despite a lack of breakout roles other than her jaw-dropping turn as the ultimate guy fantasy in the aptly titled Girl Next Door (vulnerable girl in search of a decent man who also happens to be a freaky sex-kitten porn star? Yes, I’ll take two please), some may argue that Elisha doesn’t deserve to be a babe of the decade. She’s been included here because, more than any babe this decade, she engendered the “Who is THAT?!” reaction in every man who watched GND the first time, which is exactly the kind of reaction that Chickipedia was designed to answer. In fact, the “Who is THAT?!” award will definitely be featured in later articles and retrospectives. Congrats for being the inaugural winner, Elisha.
Another hot blonde dominated 2004, and her name was Jessica Simpson. After exploding onto the scene through her limited music career, she went on to star in films and an ill-fated marriage/reality show with former husband Nick Lachey. She falls into the same marginalized category that Britney fell into by the end of the decade, but nary a man in 2004 wouldn’t have laughed at her confusion over “buffalo” wings to get closer to this awesomely beautiful babe.
Desperate Housewives was one of the biggest network shows of the decade (next to that other little show <leo_highlight style=”border-bottom: 2px solid rgb(255, 255, 150); background: transparent none repeat scroll 0% 0%; cursor: pointer; display: inline; -moz-background-clip: -moz-initial; -moz-background-origin: -moz-initial; -moz-background-inline-policy: -moz-initial;” id=”leoHighlights_Underline_0″ onclick=”leoHighlightsHandleClick(‘leoHighlights_Underline_0’)” onmouseover=”leoHighlightsHandleMouseOver(‘leoHighlights_Underline_0’)” onmouseout=”leoHighlightsHandleMouseOut(‘leoHighlights_Underline_0’)” leohighlights_keywords=”sex and the city” leohighlights_url=”http%3A//thebrowserhighlighter.com/leonardo/highlights/keywords?keywords%3Dsex%20and%20the%20city”>Sex and the City), and any boyfriend subjected to his girl’s compulsive viewing habits of the show thanked whomever cast Ms. Longoria on the show every time he was forced to watch it. She’s a TV actress with a famous, basketball playing husband that will always be remembered as one of the most smoking hot MILF’s in a decade defined by a positive resurgence of the “cougar”–i.e. hot older women preying on younger men. And we’re ok with that.
Scarlet is an absolutely gorgeous blonde who has one of those bodies/looks/attitudes that automatically designates her as a real Hollywood starlet to remember. She got her big break in Lost in Translation, and continued to channel a more intellectual sort of high-voltage blonde vivacity a la Ms. Monroe. She’ll be remembered for a long time for her effortless beauty onscreen.
This British beauty will make you feel right as rain, guv’nor. Add on other cheesy British cliches if you like, but Ms. Beckinsale truly epitomized the most classical standards of symmetry and beauty in every single one of her pictures. Plus, she kills werewolves. No big deal, and stop being jealous, Sarah Michelle Gellar.
One good Brit deserves another…at least, I think that’s how the saying goes. Keeley is another English-bred sexpot that soared to international fame after winning a modelling competition through The Sun newspaper and being ogled on the internet for the last several years. She’s consistently been one of Chickipedia’s most-searched women, and and her considerable *ahem* endowment has made her a sensation that’s truly given her an internet celebrity status–something that was definitive and new in the late Aughts.
Ms. Biel is Jessica Alba’s arch-nemesis in the realm of “Hot Actresses named Jessica.” She starred in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, which is a movie that would be completely forgotten had she not starred in it. Her unbelievable hot photospread in GQ in 2007, however, should not be forgotten either.
As the heir-apparent to Salma Hayek‘s hot Latina throne (Penelope Cruz was close, but she’s actually Spanish), Eva Mendes frequently topped hot babes lists throughout the decade on track with her many memorable movie roles (especially those in Once Upon a Time in Mexico and her teasingly brief nude scene in Training Day). By the end of the decade, she was getting top billing in mostly box office flops, but every guy from the decade will remember the first movie they saw her in and their immediate interest in Spanish culture and history immediately thereafter.
Marisa became the quintessential bikini babe for the decade with her stunning, greatly lauded cover spreads for Sports Illustrated. For babe scholars, she’ll be most often compared to the bubbly Brooke Burke for her standout success in the cutthroat world of competitive modeling on sandy beaches.
As Chickipedia’s Most-Searched-For chick of all-time, Megan definitely had to win top honors to finish out the decade. After starring in both Transformers flicks and posing for arguably the hottest photospread of the year in GQ, Megan ignited a frenzy of online interest, speculation, and disdain. Love her or hate her, she was by far the most popular, well-known babe of the year. She also had a hot girl-on-girl makeout scene in her flop film Jennifer’s Body. Just sayin’.
After one of the biggest scandals of the last few years of the decade, the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Tiger Woods deserves a mention above all of Tiger’s secret chicks hidden in the rough like Holly Sampson, Rachel Uchitel, Jaime Jungers et. al. She is still one of the sexiest WAGs of the last ten years, and now she can retire to her peaceful Swedish island and restart her life in 2010. And hopefully you, dear reader, will find some peace and prosperity as well (probably not as a result of an affair or on your own island, though). Happy New Year!