There’s one thing that every single human since the beginning of time has in common. We’re all haters. Yes, everyone, no matter how sweet they seem, hates. Gandhi hated hamburgers. Buddha hated getting his belly rubbed. And Newt Gingrich hates, well, whomever it’s politically convenient to hate. But there’s nothing wrong with hating, as long you do it the right way. That does not mean calling into radio stations and ranting. Professional hating is much classier than that. And as the author of the new book I Hate You, Kelly Donahue, I feel uniquely qualified to share these seven essential tenets with you. Let the hating begin.
Teddy Roosevelt once said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” Well, hating is just as effective without the stick. There’s nothing more unnerving than a creepy, unexpected whisper. So next time a guy pushes too close to you on the train, just inch up to his earhole and whisper something confusingly random like “I collect staplers” or “Kittens make me cry.” Pretty sure you’ll get the space you need.
Are they anal? Tilt their picture frame. Are they in a rush? “Accidentally” hit the wrong elevator button. It may not seem like much, but remember: hate is a marathon, and you are a Kenyan.
Rome wasn’t built in a day. Even Cleveland took at least a week. But little by little, they just got done. Samesies with hate. Instead of exploding Hiroshima-style on your target, hit them with little hate pellets every single day. Are they anal? Tilt their picture frame every morning. Are they in a rush? “Accidentally” hit the wrong elevator button. It may not seem like much, but remember: hate is a marathon, and you are a Kenyan.
The sun is hotter than hell. That’s a scientific fact. But when we stand under it, we don’t instantaneously combust. That’s ’cause its heat is spread wide. But if you focus it through a magnifying glass, it’s nature’s laser. Same with hate. You probably hate lots of people. Hundreds of ’em. But if you really want to see results, simply choose one target at a time and focus all your energy on them. Things are gonna heat up in no time.
Ever hear about the time Albert Einstein slept with Winston Churchill’s sister out of revenge? No, you haven’t. ’Cause Al knows how to keep his mouth shut. In short, it’s OK to hate the public. Just don’t make it public.
When it comes to comedy, figure skating, and hate, timing is everything. Sure, the early bird gets the worm. But he also gets to slip a laxative into his mother-in-law’s coffee. And he gets to place open condom wrappers under the passenger seat of his carpool “buddy” so his wife thinks he’s cheating. Man, that early bird’s an evil bastard.
There is no silver medal for hating. There’s also no gold medal for it, but that’s beside the point. Whether you’re trying to conquer Everest or that neighbor who’s always blasting Coldplay at 3 a.m., the key is to keep moving forward. Don’t just get under his skin. Get into his soul. And then drop a flaming bag of dog crap in it.
We’re always told to respect our elders. And all they did to earn that honor is not die yet. So if you’re gonna respect some geezer feeding pigeons in the park, seems like you can do the same for the person whose life you want to destroy. After all, Goliath didn’t respect David, and he got killed. The Patriots didn’t respect the Giants in Super Bowl XLII, and they got killed. Bambi’s mother didn’t respect modern day weaponry, and she got killed. We’re not saying you can’t be a complete jackass to those you hate. Just do it with dignity.