Man, Tiger is in so much trouble. All his saucy mistresses are coming out of the woodwork because TMZ wrenched a confession out of this one using tons and tons of money. You probably don’t have to worry about TMZ as long as you never plan on dominating the PGA. But there are some threats to maintaining a little side action that you do have to worry about. To help you identify and mitigate these threats, we’ve developed the S.S.H.H. system for maintaining your mistress.
Size up candidates
The most important step in getting and maintaining a mistress is finding a mistress-prone girl. Women who want to be the other woman are a rare and special breed. They tend to be independent-minded which correlates with a high degree of professional success. You might be thinking, wait a minute, I get hit on by waitresses, girls at clubs, and other not-a-VP types regularly. That’s probably true. But those girls don’t want to be a mistress. They either don’t know you’re committed or want to break you up with your One True Love.
Good candidates for mistresses also tend to be older. Having sex with somebody almost always catalyzes a pretty serious emotional connection. As our resident female sexpert once quipped, post-coitus, girls fall in love with you “if only for a moment.” Young girls aren’t, for lack of a better word, as jaded, and tend to have a difficult time dissociating lovemaking from True Love.
Ironically, honesty is always the best policy here. If you’re looking for more than just a one night stand in your mistress, you need to get it on the table that you’re married and that you’re not going to get divorced. But, of course, you should say that with a hand on her thigh (or, perhaps, something a little subtler).
Set up rules
If you’re going to have a mistress, you’ve got to have a code of rules that you live by. You’re kind of like Dexter in this regard. When things get hairy (and they will), you’ve got to have a set of principles to guide you through stormy straights. What happens if your significant other finds a text? What happens if she finds out her name? What are the criteria for ending the mistress’s tenure, and what, if anything, would catalyze a break up with your significant other in lieu of the mistress (tip: nothing). You should make your own rules to fit your own situation, but here are a few to get you started.
1. She doesn’t call you. You call her.
2. To set up a date, you will call her 24 hours in advance with the details.
3. If she sleeps with other men, that is fine, but she must disclose it and practice safe sex.
4. Arriving and departing from the rendezvous should be staggered both chronologically and geographically. Example, go to the same hotel room an hour apart and park in different lots.
5. Nothing gets paid for in credit so there is no paper trail.
6. No texts or personal emails. If you do wish to email, set up a separate, secret account.
7. Accidental meet-ups in real life are to be disregarded. Other than on a date, you don’t know her and she doesn’t know you.
Hold different hands
The phrase “the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing” has a wholly different and entirely sexier meaning, now, doesn’t it? What we mean by this, though, is hold your committed world in one hand, and hold your mistresses (much smaller) world in another. Don’t go to the same restaurants. Don’t hang out in the same areas of town (or even the same town). And definitely don’t ever let your mistress and your significant other cross paths.
You may also want to literally think about holding them differently. Like a snowflake, each woman is shaped a little different. They require different buttons to be pushed before they’ll melt (Ed. note: don’t try to have sex with snow). You shouldn’t be rockin’ your mistresses body like you do your old lady’s. You should be 1) attending to her needs which will certainly be different and 2) trying out all the weird stuff you couldn’t any other time. Think of it like test driving a Ferrari knowing you have to go home and drive a Porsche. Nothing against Porsches….but come on.
Have a code
This is different than having rules. You literally should communicate in code. A good place to start is to have her name in your phone number as a man’s name – preferably a man that you went to high school with that lives in another state. When speaking on the phone (and DEFINITELY when leaving voicemails), you should never use each other’s first names or refer directly to any kind of sexual congress. You can also use physical signals, but if you’ve put yourself in a position where you’re using sign language to talk to your mistress in front of your wife, buddy, you’ve got bigger problems. Here’s a list to get you started.
Pie chart: vagina
Bar graph: penis
Off-site meeting: actually pretty much what it sounds like
Upgraded hardware: new lingerie or other enticing devices
Skill building exercise: trying out a new move
You get the idea. Make the sexiest things in the universe sound like the most boring tripe ever. This way, even if your significant other is eavesdropping or checking your secret email that you accidentally left open, she’ll think your job is just more complicated and boring than she used to. Enjoy.