Who said meat-eating was a requirement for being a man? Okay, so the cavemen did, actually. And since the dawn of mankind, having balls and eating flesh went hand in hand. And there are so many delicious meats out there! But after thousands of years of progress, there ARE some manly vegetarian options out there. And we’re going to show you a few of the manliest (recipes included):
Real Twinkies are packed with delicious animal fat and hoof and a lot of mystery flavoring that’s also probably meat-based. But, believe it or not, you can make your own Vegan Twinkies that are 100% animal free.
First you’re going to need a Twinkie baking pan (otherwise you’re just making cupcakes). Amazon has one for $23.
Then you’re going to need to make a vegan batter. We’re borrowing a batter recipe from a less-than-manly source (Shmooed Food ) but who cares?
1 TB apple cider vinegar
1 ½ scant cups plain soymilk
2 1/8 cups flour
2 tsp. baking powder
½ tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. kosher salt
1 1/8 cups sugar
½ cup oil
1 ¼ tsp. vanilla extract
½ tsp. coconut extract
Preheat your oven to 350. Spray your awesome new Twinkie-shaped baking pan with some non-stick spray and put the batter in the cups until the cups are about a quarter of the way full. When the oven is ready, throw those vegan bad boys in for about 15 minutes.
Take the pan out and let everything cool for about 10 minutes. Then take out the cakes and let them cool some more.
Now it’s time to make the filling, sucka.
1/4 cup nonhydrogenated shortening
1/4 cup nonhydrogenated margarine
1 cup powdered sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract
2 TB barley malt powder
Mix the shortening and the margarine. Then add powdered sugar and beat that mix until it’s fluffy as the fur of sabretooth tiger (had to throw a manly image in there). Add the rest of the ingredients and keep beating for another 2 minutes.
Now grab that icing injector that came with your Twinkie set, fill it up with the frosting mix and unload frosting in the Twinkies like it’s the black tar heroin these junkies oh so desperately need.
And voila! It’s time to stuff your face with some vegetarian Twinkies!
Vegetarian Chili with Fake Meat
Chili is the ultimate man-meal. It’s 100% fart-producing power in a pot. But just because you take out the meat doesn’t mean there are any fewer farts. Check out this recipe for vegetarian chili with fake meat.
1 package vegetarian fake-meat crumbles
1 can of petite diced tomatoes (if you can find one with chilis and lime juice, even better)
1 can kidney beans, well rinsed
1 clove garlic
1 t cumin approx.
1 tablespoon tomato paste
about 1 cup water approx.
1 vegetable bullion cube
red pepper flakes to taste
1 t dried oregano
1 T margarine
1 T flour
Cook the fake meat as per instructions on the box (any fake meat will work). Remove the fake meat from your pan. Melt butter in your pan over medium heat. Wisk in the flour and keep cooking until the mix is blond. Add the liquid from the tomatoes. Then add the rest of the mix and keep cooking until it’s nice and thick and vegetarian-style deliciousness. Mmmmm…
Vegetarian Baked Ziti
If you’re Italian, love Italian food or, uh, ever watched an episode of The Sopranos, you’d know that Baked Ziti is a manly, hearty dish. It’s like a pie made out of cheese and pasta. Yum. Most traditional zitis require ground beef and other (delicious) meats. But we’ve got a vegetarian baked ziti recipe for you that you’ll love.
1 (10-ounce) package white mushrooms, trimmed
1 large onion, chopped
1/4 cup olive oil
2 garlic cloves, chopped
2 (28-ounce) cans tomato purée
4 basil leaves, torn into bits
Salt and freshly ground pepper
1 cup fresh or frozen peas
1 pound ziti
1 cup freshly grated Pecorino Romano or Parmigiano-Regiano
1 cup ricotta
8 ounces mozzarella, diced
Mmmm cheeeese. (Sorry vegans)
Make the Sauce:
Rinse and dry the mushrooms and then slice them just under an inch thick.
Cook the chopped onion in the olive oil in a skillet until its golden. Add the mushrooms and garlic and cook the mix for about 10 minutes. Add the tomato purée, basil and salt and pepper. Simmer for 30 minutes and then add the peas.
Make the Pasta:
Boil 4 quarts of water in a large pat. Add ziti and a touch of salt. Cook (and stir) until the pasta is firm (don’t overcook it!)
Drain the ziti and put it in a bowl with 3 cups of sauce and a cup of grated cheese.
Make the Baked Ziti:
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Place half the mix into a shallow baking dish. Put ricotta cheese on top of that. Add a cup of sauce and mozzarella. Then add the remaining ziti, sauce and cheese (holy cow). Cover with foil. Bake for 45 minutes and then uncover and bake for another 15 to 30 minutes.
Take out the ziti and let it stand (with the foil) for 15 minutes. Eat the deliciousness at your own risk. Any cheese-related heart attacks incurred are not the fault of Made Man.