Few men in history have been as powerful as Mario Mario, the star of the universe-wide Mario Bros. video games franchise. And, what is much of that success predicated on? Getting’ the ladies. From the day he was introduced as Jump Man, Mario has been braving barrels, fire, Koopa Troopas, lava, living sand, kart races, black holes, and innumerable other untold horrors in order to get to his dearest Princess Peach. There’s something to be learned about getting’ the ladies in there, and here it is:
You think Mario was eating all those mushrooms because he wanted to trip? No, he was getting huge for the Princess. It worked for the Jersey Shore boys, and it’ll work for you, too. Scienceblog.com says that “Men who are more muscular than average are much more likely to have short-term affairs and multiple sex partners than their scrawnier peers, according to new UCLA research published in the August issue of the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.” So, until you get ahold of some magic mushrooms, hit the gym.
Look in a lot of castles
You don’t want to settle on just any old Princess. That’s why, when Mario was faced with the in-the-short-term disheartening news that his princess was in another castle, he kept on running, jumping, flying, and otherwise traveling in two dimensions toward his pink, block beloved. There’s a lot of fish in the sea, and you’re statistically more likely to meet a lot of slack-mouthed catfish than you are Ariel mermaid princess. Keep on plugging until you find your lady.
Have a nice ride
Men with a nice car, at the very least, have a conversation starter. But, forget about your sleek Lambos or other luxury vehicles, Mario rides a green dinosaur that gains super powers depending on what he eats. You may not be able to wrangle up such a thing at your local used car dealership, but spend a little less on your apartment every month, a little more on your car payment, and you’ll have something to talk to her about, take her home in, and potentially shake her peaches in.
Surprise, surprise, this stereotype is true, too. Rich guys, like Mario who travels around magical kingdoms gathering up hundreds if not thousands of gold coins, have more sex than poor guys (like Toad). Why? The Times Online has an answer here. Cassie is unrepentant about dating rich men. “Of course it is much better to sleep with men with lots of money,” said the 27-year-old lawyer from London. Any girl who tells you different is lying. Rich men are powerful and successful and confident and charismatic. They know what they want, and they go out and get it. That translates to being fantastic in bed.”
Deal with her baggage
Hey, man. Dating Princess Peach isn’t easy. She doesn’t appear to have a family, and she definitely has a big, spiky, green bastard of a stalker in the form of Bowser. But Mario takes the good with the bad. Nobody is perfect, and he realizes that after a honeymoon period of blind infatuation, you’re going to find out that everybody is a little bit weird (this happened in Mario 2, obviously).
Rely on your family when you can
You need a little help from your friends and family. Why do you think Luigi is around? It’s to pull down those green stars in the Mario Galaxy of your relationship that Mario is otherwise unwilling or unable to get. It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes at least a few figurative cartoon Italian brothers to make a relationship work. Think about it, brother.