1. Martin Shkreli wants to fight Captain America.
Because the world doesn’t have enough cartoon villains, the gods saw fit to send up hateful pharma-bro Martin Shkreli. The weasel-faced monster’s latest antics? A Twitter throw-down with comedian Patton Oswalt, who roundly trounced Shkreli with lines like, “Dude, 12 year-olds on a Skittles rush can troll better than you.” When Chris “Captain America” Evans got in on the fun with a tweet about how much he was enjoying the beef, Shkreli threw down another stupid gauntlet: “Come to Brooklyn and I’ll introduce you to the real Captain America and a couple of fuckin roundhouses if you say my name again @ChrisEvans,” he tweeted. We’d like to see him try. No, really. Can this be a comic book subplot?
2. Everyone is very upset about the iPhone 7’s wireless earbuds.
The headphone jack is dead; long live the headphone jack. In its latest tech announcement, Apple declared that the forthcoming iPhone 7 would do away with wires altogether and make their earbuds fully wireless. The very obvious problem with that, aside from being unable to use your own headphones or speaker if you want to? Those earbuds are itty bitty, and sans wire, will get lost faster than a four-year-old’s mittens. A Guardian op-ed has already compared them to the nefarious devices used to control people’s minds via cell phone in an old episode of Doctor Who, but honestly we’re just more worried about accidentally swallowing one somehow. They’re too bitty!
3. The Southern gothic creepy clown drama continues.
Those horror clowns are still freaking everyone out in the Carolinas—and now machetes are getting into the mix. After reports from South Carolina last week about bands of clowns attempting to lure kids into the woods, they’re now popping up in Greensboro, North Carolina, too. When a horror clown appeared on the edge of the forest near an apartment complex this week, a man fully chased the nightmare monster back into the woods with a machete. How soon before this madness gets bloody?
4. The Force Awakens visual effects reel will make you appreciate the wonders of CGI.
Anyone who saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens last winter (so, everyone) knows that the visuals were pretty stunning, and not in that creepy Uncanny Valley way. The Industrial Light and Magic people, who were responsible for the effects, released a video showing how they put together the movie’s painterly backgrounds, spaceship chases and epic lightsaber battles. Talk about world-building. Almost as good as real outer space!
5. A grim fan theory about Grease has obsessed the internet.
Even cheesy nostalgia musicals aren’t free from the minds of Redditors who are convinced everything is an elaborate lie. This week, the web has been all atwitter with an old conspiracy theory about what really happened in Grease. You know that part in “Summer Nights” where Danny Zuko tells his buddies that Sandy nearly drowned, but he saved her. What if she DID drown, and the car that takes the leathered lovers into the sky at the end is going to HEAVEN? Yeah, yeah, we know. About as likely as a nice Australian girl changing her entire M.O. to impress John Travolta.