spitting-guy

A public service announcement to improve all our lives

It’s a gorgeous day here in New York City, so I went for a walk at lunch to pick up my bun-less Five Guys and get a little Vitamin D. There was a slight breeze, which is always nice, except…

Except when you’re behind a spitter. These guys walk the streets, dropping wads like they’re bored center fielders. What gives, spitters? Why are you spitting when there are throngs of people behind you catching bits and pieces of your phlegm when the wind is just right?

Are you chewing tobacco? Is that a thing still? Are you sick? Maybe you have a really bad chest cold. But, no, you clearly don’t, because there can’t be this many sickly men strolling the streets stricken with consumption. And if you are sick, carry some tissues, for public health’s sake.

That first moment you catch yourself wanting to drop some drool and you break the cycle, you’ll feel better about yourself. People around you will feel better about you too.

So I did what any man would do when he returns to his desk: I Googled “Why do men spit?” Turns out that spitting is a way for humans to mark territory or challenge one another. This clearly works—if I see a man hock a loog, I veer out of his way and do whatever I can to avoid him and his sticky byproduct.

Maybe spitters just want to be left alone, so they spit their way into independence. Maybe they’re conflicted characters, seeking understanding from a world that just won’t let them be?

No, it can’t be that.

They’re just ungentlemanly adolescents. They’ve never been told that dropping their oral excrement all over town isn’t attractive. They’ve never considered the fact that no respectable woman (or man) is ever going to give them the time of day once they see them spray some spittle. Is there a woman in the world who finds a spitting man attractive, ever?

Perhaps I’m being unfair. Maybe you were brought up with other spitters, and you simply had to keep up. If everyone else is spitting, surely you must spit, too, to prove your manliness, lest you look like a pansy, spitless loser. To you guys, I am sorry, but hear this: There is still time. Just as I am trying to overcome biting my nails (similarly gross habit), you can overcome your spitting.

So rather than condemn you, I offer help. Try this: Sign up for a reminder app like coach.me or Strides and set a daily reminder and check-in to stop spitting. That first moment you catch yourself wanting to drop some drool and you break the cycle, you’ll feel better about yourself. People around you will feel better about you too.

You can do this, spitters. Stop it. You’re not impressing anyone.

Photo credit: twenty20/jeremyhoganphotographer