There’s something incredibly crass about compiling a list of the 10 best black natural boobs. It’s an objectification not only of women, but black women. As if racism and sexism weren’t enough. No, but seriously, the jugs on this list are going to blow your mind.
Tyra Banks–Tyra Banks, what happened? Honey, listen. We understand the psychological trappings of show business. We understand your demented aspirations of whiteness, the blond hair and nose jobs. But girl, with a pair of pippens like that, as round and rare as black, silken basketballs, love your own damn chocolate self, 'cause you have best black natural breasts of all tizzime.
- Old School Lil’ Kim–Lil’ Kim has had so much work done she looks like a wax figure. But back when she was Biggie’s silky siren, boasting re: her ability to swallow a whole Pepsi can, Kim’s coup-de-tit was her cutaway dress at the MTV Awards that revealed an entire, majestic black jellyfish capped with naught but a shell.
Halle Berry–Halle Berry’s ebony milk makers are the subjects of furious debate. Has work been done? To settle this, we watched “Swordfish” and “Monster’s Ball” and, based on complex mathematical formulae measuring the parabola of her hanging tatas, determined that Berry’s ripe fruits are all natural and some of the best black natural breasts around.
- Naturi Naughton–It’s hard not to feel dirty having a wank Naughton’s Hershey’s kisses. The actor and R&B singer came to national attention at age sixteen. Having followed her career since she was underage, it does indeed feel somewhat perverse to add her to the list of the ten best black natural tatties. But those obsidian slopes! Who’re we kidding! It’s a list of jubbalie wubbalies! Perv away, men. Perv away.
- Zoe Saldana–In her true, naturally black and beautiful form, “Avatar’s” Saldana is most well-known for playing Star Trek’s cunning linguist Nyota Uhura. And while we’re certainly interested in all the naughty tricks Uhura might be able to perform with that prodigious mouth of hers, we’re more interested in divine coffee beans blossoming from her ribs.
Marie Luv–Marie Luv’s chocolate volcanoes are rarely dormant. All that said and done, Marie gets her explosive yayas out a lot and when these top ten natural black breasts appear, the lava flows.
Naomie Harris–Rand talented British actress Harris would be none too pleased to find herself on this list, but when you strip yourself nude in Michael Mann’s absurd remake of “Miami Vice,” you’re name’s gonna pop up top ten black natural breasts lists.
Oprah Winfrey–Does Oprah really have a set of the best natural chocolate fountains? Yes. Why? Because each one is worth one billion dollars. Oprah don’t play; she makes money like white Republicans. Each one of her middle-aged, stretched marked peppershakers is worth more than all ya’ll combined. Chew on that.
Hattie McDaniel–Hattie McDaniel, what we wouldn’t give to lay our tired heads on your matronly bosom. Yes, we realize that this is some sort of demented desire born of every white man’s need to dominate black women while also succumbing to the desire to be mothered by them. But damn it, you have some of the most appealing black natural breast of all time.
Mariah Carey–To quote Nick Cannon "Believe it or not, Mariah is the same racial mixture as our beloved president, Barack Obama. (black father + white mother = BLACK)” So what? So then we can safely put Carey on our list and gaze contently at her breasts (no idea where that one came from) without feeling a deep and burning guilt that maybe she’s just Puerto Rican. Or Irish. Or a cleverly disguised Sino spy.
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