10 Best Stephen Colbert Quotes

Bask in the deliciousness of the truth with the 10 best Stephen Colbert quotes. On "The Colbert Report," Stephen Colbert does away with the bothersome facts that the mainstream media wants to shove down our throats and gives us news that we can feel. Stephen Colbert's job is to emote the news at us so we don't have to bother with the pesky task of thinking and focus on feelings. In the process of feeling the news at us, Stephen Colbert has thrown out some of the funniest quotes in recent history. Even when the things he says make absolutely no sense, the fact that he says it all with a straight face and seriously cocked eyebrow makes whatever he says comedy gold.

  1. "If our founding fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world they wouldn't have declared their independence from it." So if we are to follow logic, Stephen Colbert style, the Declaration of Independence allows us to run amok and screw what the rest of the world thinks. And if Stephen Colbert is wrong, we don't want to be right.
  2. "Ignorance is blissOedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions." Only one of many Stephen Colbert quotes that made us laugh while making us seriously uncomfortable.
  3. "Now, I've never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature's fence sitters! Which is it? Water or land? Pick one, we're at war!" We aren't even sure what the hell this quote means, but Stephen Colbert makes all kinds of gibberish funny.
  4. "I'm attacking America's enemies like a spurned astronaut." Stephen Colbert threw this gem out right after a female astronaut was arrested after driving across the country in a diaper to kill her ex-boyfriend's new lady pal. The thought of Stephen Colbert driving around in a caddy wearing a diaper makes us giggle.
  5. "Forget the Secret Service, where were the fashion police?" This was Stephen Colbert's reaction to seeing Abe Lincoln's hat at the Smithsonian. At first we didn't want to laugh because Lincoln was awesome, but still we have to agree with Stephen Colbert on this one; it is a horrible hat.
  6. "If you can't beat 'em, call Homeland Security and let them beat 'em for you!" Excuse us, Mr. Colbert, do you happen to know the number to Homeland Security? We have people to  report and beatings to hand out.
  7. "Many states don't allow the sale of fireworks. To me it's not the Fourth of July until I'm rolling around on the ground screaming for someone to put me out." Once again, Stephen Colbertpurveyor of truthis right. More states should legalize the sale of fireworks. Because it isn't a holiday until someone losses a finger.
  8. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Just make sure to stab in an upward motion." This quote makes us wonder how many bodies Stephen Colbert has buried underneath the set of the Colbert Report.
  9. "Hey, single malt scotch, you're thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach?" Right after Stephen Colbert posed this question, we came up with an immediate answer. And the answer is now.
  10. "The hills are alive with the sound of wolves! Run Maria run!" Leave it to Stephen Colbert to make "The Sound of Music" interesting.
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