When making our selections for this list of ten movies that teach moral values, we didn’t go for the easy moral lessons found in family-friendly, PG-rated movies. You know why? Because you, dear reader, don’t watch those movies. You watch movies with sex, violence, and delicious, delicious profanity. Some people would like you to believe that these movies are depraved and amoral, but we know better. Read on for some morality.
- “Rambo” Freedom isn’t free, you know. It takes the blood and sweat of our soldiers to preserve our democracy. Occasionally a war is massively unpopular, like the Vietnam War or Star Wars: Episode I, but even then we must stand by our troops. If we don’t, they will hide out in the woods of the Pacific Northwest and kill us dead when we try to hunt them down. So you see, “Rambo” isn’t just a mindless action movie, it’s a movie that teaches moral values.
- “Hostel” You know what’s rude? Traveling to another country and then acting like an arrogant jerk of a tourist who thinks that the locals are there only for your own gratification. For the young American backpackers of “Hostel,” that type of behavior leads to gruesome, torturous deaths. Let that be a lesson to you, be respectful of the locals while traveling, another good moral value.
- “Visitor Q” The Japanese have a slightly different take on family values than we Americans. We recommend against watching “Visitor Q” to find out what they are.
- “American Psycho” The 1980s were a time of excess. They epitomized the shallowness and greed that is the worst part of American society. Patrick Bateman is everything that made the ‘80s bad concentrated into one sick, psychopathic yuppie. By showing us the most horrifying of superficial human beings, “American Psycho” teaches us to pay attention to what’s below the surface. That is an important moral value.
- “Inglourious Basterds” Pacifism is all well and good, but sometimes you just need to beat some Nazis to death with a baseball bat. There’s no moral equivocation here, folks. Director Quentin Tarantino knows that Nazis are just evil bastards who need to die, and he made this movie to pass that moral value onto us.
- “Friday the 13th” Jason Voorhees was a big believer in abstinence-only sex education. His method of teaching was to hack teenagers to death with a machete as they tried to fornicate. Did he go too far? You might think so if you’re some sort of anti-family values liberal communist who hates freedom. For the rest of us, the “Friday the 13th” series is a shining example of movies that teach moral values.
- “Rope” “Rope” is not the best known of Alfred Hitchcock’s films, but it’s an excellent one. Based on the true story of two homicidal brothers, the film refutes the Nietzschean idea of an Übermensch who is beyond good and evil. The movie is an underrated gem and a genuine morality lesson for those that paid attention in their Philosophy 101 classes.
- “Rosemary’s Baby” Family values, you say? How about a mother sticking by her offspring even after she discovers that he is the Antichrist? That’s love right there.
- “Crash” We’re not talking about the 2004 Paul Haggis directed movie with its not-so-subtle commentary on contemporary racism. We’re talking about the 1996 David Cronenberg film with James Spader and Holly Hunter getting sexual gratification from car crashes. We think the plot speaks for itself on this one.
- "The Passion of the Christ" Mel Gibson’s epic of anti-Semitism, “The Passion of the Christ,” taught us the most valuable moral lesson of all. It taught us that the amount you suffer is far more important than the good deeds you do. If you sat through the whole movie, congratulations, you’ve suffered enough to qualify for sainthood. Thank you, Mel Gibson, for setting our priorities straight and teaching us important moral values.
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