10 Tips For Masturbating At Work

Tips for masturbating at work can be a real lifesaver in a job that stresses you out or bores you to death. However, there's an art to getting away with it when you are wanking instead of working. Here are some pointers to keep in mind if you want to make sure you don't wind up with a dismissal notice in your file that lists the reason dismissed as "masturbating at work."

  1. Pick a private spot. Nobody wants to be subjected to a co-worker's masturbation habits. If you are masturbating at work, make sure no one is going to walk in on you. Single stall bathrooms, private offices with locking doors and out-of-the-way storerooms are all possible masturbation locations.
  2. Do not download porn on your office computer. Your chances of getting caught and subsequently fired are far too high. If you require a bit of visual stimulation, either download porn to a handheld digital device that belongs to you like a phone or an iPad or stick to old fashioned magazines. This is one place where low tech options could be best.
  3. If you absolutely must watch porn on your office computer, at least bring it in from home on removable media like a DVD or thumb drive. Getting a good stash ahead of time saves on the time you would have spent looking for the perfect videos, too. As always, make sure that you pull that DVD out of the drive when you are done masturbating at work.
  4. Go about your business quietly. Panting and fapping noises are a dead giveaway to co-workers who would rather not be part of your sex life. Keep your breathing as normal as possible. Keep the skin noises down, too.
  5. Speed is essential. This is one time when you do not want to make it last. The less time you spend in the act, the less likely you will get caught. This is one time you do not want to think about baseball.
  6. Leave no trace. The key to sustainable camping is also the key to sustainable workplace masturbation. When masturbating at work, make sure you leave behind no incriminating tissues, lube or porno mags to give you away. Double check when you are done doing the deed that you have cleaned up completely.
  7. Make sure there is no photographic evidence either. Be aware of whether–and where–your company has security cameras. When you are masturbating at work, you want to make sure that there is not a video left behind of your antics. At best, you'll be fired. At worst, you'll be fired and also turn into the next viral video sensation.
  8. If you can find a reason to be offsite, take it. A discreet wank in your car may be easier to pull off. Find an isolated location. Make sure that, wherever you go, you can stay unobserved.
  9. Bone up (pun intended) on your company's sexual harassment policies. Getting caught by someone of the opposite sex could turn into a sexual harassment suit if you are not careful. Those five minutes in heaven can lead to months in HR hell. Again, discretion is a must.
  10. Sex toys are generally a no-go in these situations. Masturbation sleeves make rather obvious squishing noises and vibrating toys buzz. You really don't want to have to explain to your supervisor what it is your are washing out in the breakroom sink. Stick to Mary Palm and her sisters.