10 Worst Elton John Songs

Make your ears bleed as a little piece of your soul dies with the ten worst Elton John songs. With a career that spans more than thirty years, Sir Elton John has recorded more than a few hits over the years. But along with those hits he has recorded a few songs that he would probably like to forget ever existed. From creepy stalker songs to sickeningly sweet ballads and cowboy love songs, these are the biggest bombs recorded by Sir Elton John.

  1. "Act of War" (1985)– Listening to Elton John and Millie Jackson is like listening to a domestic where both people are too hammered to make a coherent argument or throw a decent punch. The insane amounts of nose candy available in the 80's is the only way to explain why such an abomination was allowed to exist.
  2. "Val-Hala" (1969)– Elton John manages to suck all of the fight and awesome brutality out of the Vikings with his creepy harpsichord. To add insult to injury Valhalla was spelled wrong when the song was released in '69. The spelling mistake was corrected when the American LP was released later in the year, but by then the damage was done.
  3. "Just Like Noah's Ark" (2006)- Elton John has written his fair share of weird lyrics over the years, but " Looks like they could eat me alive in a couple of weeks" is among the worst and the weird. If the people on Noah's Ark are so hungry they could eat you alive, why would they wait a couple of weeks?
  4. "Part-Time Love" (1978)- Several countries, including the former Soviet Union, banned this song because it was about adultery. We think the song was banned when the powers that be heard its country pop through a tin can melody and decided not to torture their people.
  5. "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" (1976)- Someone forgot to remind Elton John that if you are going to use the work Funk in the title of the song, the song should be funky. This completely funk-less song marks the first, but not the last time Elton John would try to cash in on a musical trend.
  6. "Captain and the Kid" (2006)– According to the songs bio, it's supposed to be about the long standing friendship between Elton John and song writer Bernie Taupin. We think it's Elton's way of telling the world that old age has made him decide to hang up his sparkly tights and replace them with cowboy hats and chaps.
  7. "I Feel Like a Bullet ( In the Gun of Robert Ford)" (1972)- Only Elton John can write a song about Jesse James and the Wild West and turn it into a horribly whiny love song. Jesse James is still rolling over in his grave over this song.
  8. "Candle in the Wind" (1973 and 1997)– Elton John's original version of candle in the wind was creepy tribute to the long dead Marilyn Monroe. After the death of Princess Diana he changed the lyrics as a tribute to the Princess of Wales. He may have  changed the lyrics, but he kept the snoozeville music box melody for both versions of the song. Which at best is a sappy, but sweet love song for a friend. At worst its a song about stalking a dead woman.
  9. "The Bitch is Back" (1974)– This song was written after Elton John threw one of his trademark fits in the studio. Instead of sounding like the theme song of a bitchy queen it sounds like something that should have been played in the back room of a Western saloon.
  10. "Bennie and the Jets" ( 1973)– Bennie was one of Elton John's biggest hits, but its never ending chorus makes it one of most annoying things ever recorded.
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