Valentine's Day! Anniversaries! Bingo Night! Made Man's got you covered when it comes to four Romantic Gestures She Might Not Find Romantic.
1. The Karaoke Dedication. So you've decided to take her to the bar where you started it all and surprise her by singing “your song” to her in front of everybody. You step up to the mic, pronounce your love for her in front of an entire building full of strangers right before she:
A.) Gets nervous and turns red.
B.) Gets embarrassed and pukes hard.
C.) Runs out of the building and then pukes hard.
D.) Acts into it and then secretly regrets the years you spent in show choir.
The serenade isn’t what it used to be. It’s pretty cliche, depending on the girl you’re trying to woo. A good way to test the waters is to sing to her at home, so if it’s awkward you guys can just chalk it up to the equivalent of a cuddle fart and move on.
2. That Tattoo. The classic romantic gesture of putting your lady-love’s moniker on your bicep, or the douchier alternative of putting it on your shoulder blade, might be taken the wrong way. You must consider:
A.) This might make you look unoriginal.
B.) You might break up with this girl at some point.
C.) This girl could die and then you look like somebody who can’t let go.
D.) By this logic, you could be expected to tattoo the name of every single girl that you fall in love with. If you are a ladies man with a long lifespan or are a polygamist, this could mean a freak show tent in your future.
Not since Mark Wahlberg carved “Nicole 4 Eva” into his sculpted abs has a seemingly sincere gesture of love seemed so creepy. Sink the ink, my friend.
3. The Gift You Think She’d Want But Doesn’t Want At All. Let’s say you really want a Wii so you can play "Madden" while she’s watching “Say Yes to the Dress” on the TV in the bedroom. And let’s say that you spend about an hour looking up games like “Zelda” and “Metroid” that she played as a kid that you think she’d be into too. Let’s also say that you get her one of those Wii Fit sets, which is pretty sensitive of you. Well guess what? Your woman opened that Wii console you wrapped like a monkey, and she thinks the Wii Fit is your way of saying she’s fat. She also thinks that "Zelda" games remind her of living with her stepdad, who always watched NFL in the living room so she had to spend her childhood hidden away in her bedroom all stir-crazy like that one Gilda Radner character. And the "Madden" you want to play? More NFL memories. Way to go, deGrasse Tyson. You’re going to get plenty of QT with the Wii now that you’re sleeping on the couch.
4. That Bed and Breakfast Stay. Really? A Bed and Breakfast? That’s the best you can do for a getaway? I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to bang you in what looks like somebody else’s gramma’s house. I mean, you could get lucky; you could land a girl who has a fetish for doing it on Civil War-era furniture. Maybe all the dust that gets kicked up while you’re making whoopie is her thing. Maybe a certain lacquer on a rocking chair turns her crank. Or the site of your raw, hairy undercarriage juxtaposed by a linen doily from the 1920’s finally puts the gravy on her biscuits. Bed and Breakfasts are romantic for British people, senior citizens, or both.