5 Christian Masturbation Tips

A lot of Christians may be asking, where can I find Christian masturbation tips? The truth is, you can’t. Depending on the sect, Christianity isn’t exactly down with masturbation. But fear not, the following 5 Christian masturbation tips will provide absolutely no help, except possibly distracting you from touching yourself for the next two minutes.

  1. Chastity belt. This Christian masturbation tip goes back to the middle ages. Simply take a giant cast-iron undergarment and fasten it securely to your genitals. Make sure your squire or maiden holds the key, lest you soil yourself.
  2. Join the clergy. This second Christian masturbation is another oldie but goodie. Donning the collar is a good form of discipline and a very good way to prevent you from touching yourself.
  3. Get married. Don’t touch yourself, build up sexual tension, succumb to temptation, knock her up, get married at eighteen. Yeah, that’s definitely one good way to circumvent Christian laws.  Once you are married, you and your partner are free to commence in this sacred act.
  4. Surround yourself with other Christians. A great way to fight temptation is to join the club. Join a Christian group and surround yourself with peers who are following a similar lifestyle. They will give you the moral support you need until you are married, and vice versa.
  5. Screw it. Just touch yourself anyway. That’s really the best Christian masturbation tip. Enjoy some alone time and then pray for forgiveness you filthy sinner.