5 Outdoor Masturbation Tips

If your searching for 5 outdoor masturbation tips before you diddle yourself, then you might want to pause for a moment of self-reflection and seek psychiatric help instead. If, however, you still have the urge to whack-it outside (who are we to judge?) then please enjoy these outdoor masturbation tips.

1. Go somewhere warm: This should go without saying but we added it to our list lest someone get their dick stuck to a pole. If you must engage in outdoor masturbation, do it in a safe climate. Frostbite is real people!
2. Avoid bears: They can smell your juices. Same with pumas. Actually, avoid all large predators. For this, and many other more obvious reasons, the zoo is off limits. Of all the outdoor masturbation tips available on the internet, this is by far the most important. Avoid bears.  Got it?
3. Go commando: Your underwear are holding you back. Lose it. Outdoor masturbation is all about easy access, quick withdrawal, and plausible deniability.
4. Be prepared: Perhaps the draw of masturbating outdoors is minimal clean up. This is not the case. This outdoor masturbation tip is about courtesy. Clean up after yourself. What are you, an animal? Do not go Johnny-Apple-seeding your way across my lawn
5. Don’t get caught: Remember when we said that avoiding bears was the most important outdoor masturbation tip? We lied. Avoiding people is most certainly the most important of all outdoor masturbation tips. What’s worse, being eaten by a bear, or becoming a registered sex offender? Before you answer bear, think about what  happens to sex offenders in prison.