5 Signs Of A Posessive Girlfriend

The 5 signs of a possessive girlfriend are more obvious to your friends than to you because you are ear deep in the beef curtains and loving every minute of it. It is a well regarded fact that a woman can seriously twist your mind and balls into a completely different creature given enough time. Whether this is good or bad often depends upon how big of a slouch you are.

  1. Phone control. One of the five signs of a possessive girlfriend is how well she knows your phone. There is so much personal and incriminating information on your phone and she totally knows it. If your girlfriend is more tech savvy than you, then you are totally boned. Your emails, social networking sites, address books and logs of every single text and phone call are stored in that bugger. Just because you spent all your mental energy picking the most awesome ring tones ever doesn’t mean you actually know how to use your phone. A really bad sign is if your girlfriend gives you a phone as a gift…That my friend is a leash.
  2. Clothes in closet. Cats spray stuff, goats headbutt and dogs hump things to express dominance and territory. Your girlfriend will use shoes or clothes. At first, a pair of sandals left behind at your apartment seems harmless. Then you notice her sweater actually hanging on a hanger in your closet that you only use to legally grow medicinal weed. Soon will follow dresses and when she leaves behind bras, she is not only telling the local area bitches to back off, she is totally humping your leg dog. It is not long before she moves in and your closet will be permanently converted into a closet used only for clothes.
  3. Friend wedge. Any possessive girlfriend will hate your friends. Not at first of course, she is still reeling you in. She will put up with your unemployed best friend from college that sleeps for free on your couch for awhile. But she is plotting. Can you not hear the hamster wheels of doom spinning in her head? If you have female friends, she will befriend them and start socializing with them. At first, you may be stupid enough to think that is good. But it’s not. She is picking their brains, pissing all over her territory and drawing a huge line in the sand.
  4. Social dictator. The first few dates were great weren’t they? She actually showed up to your lame little Norwegian death metal bar and she even wore black. But a true possessive girlfriend is using these events as currency to force you into wine tastings, her alumni sorority sister gatherings and birthday parties that serve no beer. At first you will rationalize this and feel great that you got to go to a Lakers game with your friends two months ago. But soon, you will be hiding in the bathroom playing Nintendo DS because that will be as good as freedom gets.
  5. The Boyfriend Project. All of the five signs of a possessive girlfriend lead up to the Boyfriend Project. Your ancient underwear collection is replaced, t-shirts make room for dress shirts and she is choosing which John Mayer haircut you will receive next. Basically your girlfriend is a realist in an unforgiving world yet she harbors hope in her black and twisted heart that you can be the prince she always dreamed of. In fact, she demands it. Naturally this leads towards marriage, whelping brats, mortgages and death. Buyer beware.


  • The best way to get rid of any woman that is cutting off your air supply is to say these magical words, “There is no way I will ever marry you.”
  • If you say that, she will break up with you in a spectacular fashion and fornicate with people you know socially.
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