How To Act Around Cops

You might be thinking there aren't any secrets to how to act around cops. You might think that as long as you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear from the law. You might think that only the guilty have to worry about police officers, and that your own innocence will act as a protective barrier between you and trouble with the police. You know who else thought that? A moderately famous film and television actor named OJ Simpson. Don't make the same mistakes he did—here's how to act around cops.

  1. Act Natural We don't mean do that whole whistling-with-your-hands-in-your-pockets thing they do in sitcoms, that would be ridiculous. But acting natural is a big part of how to act around cops. If they see you sweating, or checking your watch, or nervously pacing, or beating up a kitten, they're liable to get suspicious and "take you in for questioning," which as we all know is code for taser-sodomy.
  2. Cut Your Hair There's nothing that makes a lawman's heart start pounding like hair that has grown beyond the upper-neck. The idea haircut for this situation is a modest crew cut – don't shave it all off or the police might think you're a skinhead or a cancer patient, whom many of them enjoy beating up at will. It might seem like a pain to get a haircut just so the police won't bother you, but you asked us how to act around cops. You can't fight the law, man.
  3. Shave It Off Another well-known "red flag" in the law enforcement community is facial hair. With the exception of a conservative mustache, facial hair is sometimes all it takes for a police officer to add you to his list.
  4. Don't Kill Anyone Sometimes the key to how to act around cops is so obvious as to be self-evident. Still, it's important to point out that if you kill someone in front of a police officer, they pretty much have to bother you about it, at the very least. Better safe than sorry, and just don't murder anyone. You never know when the cops are watching.
  5. What Are You, Some Kind Of Comedian? Cops don't like a smart-aleck, you know. So keep the witty rejoinders to yourself, see? Just keep the yap zippered and the smirk wiped off your mug and you'll be an expert in how to act around cops toots sweet. Also, outdated slang.
  6. Be Polite The right way to act around cops: "Yes officer, I apologize for making eye contact with you back then. It is obvious to me now that this would be interpreted as a sign of aggression, and thus it is perfectly reasonable that you have my arms pinned behind my back and my head smashed into my windshield. Is it customary to tip?"
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