How To Act Drunk

So you've been stone-cold sober for six months and counting, and you want to know how to act drunk. Why? Well, that's your business, isn't it? But Foster Brooks (look him up) made a career out of it, as did George W. Bush. So here's a helpful guide on how to act drunk.

  1. Slur your words. This is pretty much Acting Drunk 101. Instead of expressing yourself articulately by delineating every syllable with a proper pronunciation, slur your words together. It takes some practice to make it sound natural, but acting drunk is not something that should be taken lightly. It is very, very serious.
  2. Touch people. It's a well-known fact that drunks like to get all touchy and whatnot with people, even totally platonic friends. So try to suck up your physical contact phobia and put your arm around people when acting drunk. It adds to the illusion, and no one will be the wiser. Unless you get close enough to where they can smell your breath.
  3. Drink some alcohol. Now, for those who are experienced in the field of drunkenness, this might not actually be necessary. But if you're a dilettante in the field of acting drunk, it might not be a bad idea to actually drink a little bit. Not a lot, mind you, since we are just acting drunk. Just a little. You can quit whenever you want, remember.
  4. Sing. One of the keys to acting drunk is to indicate a loss of your own inhibitions. And since most people have an inhibition towards off-key singing, singing out loud at parties is one of the best ways to act drunk. Popular song choices: "Desperado," "Piano Man," "I'm So Drunk, Oh My God, For Real (You Guys)."
  5. Dance. "But, but, I don't know how to dance." Shut up. This is acting drunk, not a reality show try-out. Just get out there and have some fun!
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