How To Break A Beer Bottle

So you’re wondering how to break a beer bottle.  OK.  That seems like something you’d be able to figure out with even the most rudimentary knowledge of physics but we won’t judge you.  We’re here to help, and so here are some of our favorite methods.  Just be sure to use proper safety precautions while breaking your beer bottle.  The best safety tip we can offer is to not do it at all, but we know how extreme you are.

1. Smash it on the ground.  Go ahead, just throw it right at the ground.  The harder the ground, the better.  Aim for the cement, not for the grass.  That beer bottle will break, guaranteed.
2. Throw it at the wall.  This option is not as ideal, because there’s a pretty good chance you’re going to leave some beer on the wall no matter how empty you think that bottle is.  You don’t want to do this at your own pad unless you’ve already lost the security deposit.  Do it at someone else’s place, as long as it’s not someone you particularly like.
3. Use a trebuchet.  So you’ve got a spare trebuchet sitting around and you don’t know what to do with it.  Well, put that beer bottle in the trebuchet and let it fly.  That’s how to break a beer bottle in style.
4. Drive over it.  Put the beer bottle under one of the wheels of your car and drive right over it.  “But that might puncture my tire,” you protest.  Maybe it will, maybe it won’t.  There’s only one way to find out.
5. No, really drive over it.  With a tank.  Where will you find a tank?  Hey, that’s your own business.  We can’t do everything for you.
6. Use a hammer.  You want to know how to break a beer bottle?  Do it the same way you broke your finger while hanging your “Reservoir Dogs” poster, you 18-to-35-year-old male, you: with a hammer.
7. Batter up!  Have someone pitch the beer bottle at you and then take a swing with your trusty old Louisville Slugger.  Smashy, smashy!

Any one of these methods is guaranteed to break your beer bottle.  They’re also very silly things to do.  Take our advice: return the bottle for your five-cent deposit instead (ten cents in Michigan!).