How To Break Up With An Evil Vindictive Jealous Girlfriend

There you are, you poor bastard–saddled with an evil, vindictive, jealous girlfriend and wondering how to break up with her. Whatever shall you do? Follow this woman's advice to free yourself at last. 

  1. Be firm in your resolve. Don't go into this breakup without squaring your shoulders and swearing that, no matter what, you're going to walk away a free man.
  2. Prepare your speech ahead of time. It's probably best not to tell your evil, vindictive, jealous (soon to be ex) girlfriend that you're dumping her because she's evil, vindictive and jealous. Such people tend not to take that news well at all. Instead, prepare some version of the breakup speech of your choice. "It's not you, it's me," "I'm not ready," and "It's not a good time for me right now" are all acceptable options. There's only one rule here–whatever you do, don't tell her you've met someone else, even if you have (she's evil, vindictive and jealous, remember?).
  3. Choose a public place for the scene of the breakup. This is some of the oldest breakup advice in the world, but it applies doubly in the case of the evil, vindictive, jealous girlfriend. Choose a ritzy, understated public environment. That way, if your evil girlfriend makes a scene, she'll really make a scene, and everyone will feel sorry for you.
  4. Watch your back. If you have a new, sweet, understanding and trusting girlfriend, watch her back. If your evil, vindictive, jealous ex-girlfriend harasses or threatens either of you, seek protection from the police. Stalking laws exist for a reason.



What Others Are Reading Right Now.

  • 13 Things to Look Forward to in Your 30s

    You’ve probably been told that your 20s will be the best years of your life. As someone in their 30s, I can tell you honestly that nothing could be further from the truth. Here are ...

  • Speakeasy

    Acting, comedy and strong spirits converge in Speakeasy. When host Paul F. Tompkins interviews entertainers—Key and Peele, Alison Brie, Rob Delaney, Zach Galifianakis—about all sor ...

  • Lando’s Penalty Kick Ritual: A Tribute

    He plays his last match for the USA tonight. This video is a testament to his impact.