How To Destroy Speakers

It's useful to know learn how to destroy speakers for those moments when you feel like breaking something. There are the conventional ways to destroy speakers; then there are the creative ways to destroy speakers… No, obliterate them. It all depends on your mood. Just how destructive do you want to be? If you want them broken, we can help you. If you want to get biblical, we can do that too. You know, ashes to ashes, speakers to dust. So, how do you want it? How do you want to destroy your speakers?

  1. The musician's way. Most musicians, be it guitarists, trumpet players, DJ's, what have you, understand the importance of having good speakers. The speakers are what make it possible for the audience to hear you. If they can't hear you, they can't feel you. If they can't feel you, you'll have no fans. With no fans comes no money. Needless to say, you won't find too many musicians that will willfully destroy their speakers. So, how do they do it? Simple. A sure fire way to destroy a set of speakers is to turn all of your volume levels up too high. One extremely high note and that's all she wrote. You'll hear a stuttering, almost flatulent, sound coming from the speakers and you'll know you've blown them.
  2. The Rocker way. Yes, rockers are musicians. But, they come from a small subset of musicians that will purposefully dispose of a lot of their equipment during a show. It adds to the bad-ass effect. If you want to go this route, you could actually kill two birds with one stone. Grab a guitar and go all Tiger Woods with it. Hit the speakers long ball style. Right into the business end of the speaker. Not only will you destroy the speaker, you'll severely damage, if not totally jack up, your guitar too.
  3. Robert Deniro's Al Capone. If the speakers aren't playing like a team or if they don't have the certain "enthusiasms" (in Capone's voice), take a Louisville Slugger bat to the back of the speakers. Destroy those speakers. Kill them! Hit them so hard that their insides pour out all over the dinner table… And continue to hit them till their brains start to look like grape jelly. That'll teach them to try to make moves on the side. Wait, what were we talking about again?
  4. Wile E. Coyote. Does this one really need an explanation? Wait till the fourth of July. Be creative.
  5. Barry Bonds. Again with the Louisville sluggers. Get a buddy to pitch the speaker to you. Swing for the fences. If you happen to miss, smash it to bits on the ground. Whew! This is a hell of a stress reliever. Hopefully, you won't need to replace them anytime soon.
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