How To Dine Alone Without Feeling Awkward

It’s hard to figure out how to dine alone without feeling awkward. Everyone else seems to have friends, family and/or significant others with which to share their meals.  Don’t worry, though, you lonely hearts. We’re here to ease the pain with some helpful tips.

  1. Eat at home. No one’s going to care that you’re dining alone if no one can see you. What’s more, you will save money by preparing your own meals. If you’re too incompetent or lazy to prepare your own meals, there’s always the take-out option. Either way, the best way to dine alone without feeling awkward is to truly dine alone with no one else around. When you’re done, you can pile the dishes up in your sink and cry yourself to sleep.
  2. Find the least conspicuous table in the restaurant. You’re dining alone, but you don’t want to do it at home. Perhaps your place is getting fumigated or you’re just getting a case of cabin fever. All is not lost. Find the darkest, most out-of-the-way table in the restaurant and ask the waiter or waitress to seat you there. If other people can’t see you, they won’t be judging you. You won’t have to hurl your food at them and yell, “Stop looking at me with your accusing eyes!”
  3. Wear a disguise. Much of the self-consciousness of dining alone comes from the fear that people you know will see you and realize that you’re a friendless sad sack. If you’re dining incognito, this ceases to be a problem. Just don a fedora, trench coat and fake moustache and no one will know it’s you dining alone.
  4. Hire a companion for your meal. There is an entire service industry that exists just for lonely souls like yourself. Just look up “Escorts” in the yellow pages (we recommend against Craigslist due to the high probability of ending up with a transvestite–not that we’ve learned this from repeated experience) and comparison shop for the most reasonably-priced service. Be sure to make it clear that although you may be ordering the Happy Ending Sundae at the end of your meal, you are not expecting the other kind of “happy ending” at the end of the night. That will help ease the tension between you and your paid date.
  5. One word: medication. If you’re like us, you can’t cross the street without being overcome by waves of hot panic. They make pills for that and they work like magic. Just visit your physician and ask for the “anxiety special.” He’ll know what you’re talking about. Once you become acquainted with your new pharmaceutical companions, you’ll be dining alone without feeling awkward in the least thanks to the wonders of modern chemistry.
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