This is how you divorce your wife from the Philippines. You don't. In fact, you can't. According to Filipino law, you are legally bound to stay married to your wife for ever and ever (Amen). The reason for this is that divorce is not recognized in the Philippines and is emphatically against the law. Particularly if you're both Filipino and were married in the Philippines. There is an actual 'The Family Code of the Philippines' sanctioned by President Corazon C. Aquino. Who knew? Marriage in the Filipino culture is iron clad. It's like New York's Riker's Island with palm trees and Karaoke. Apparently, the Vegas convenience store approach to marriage as we enjoy here in The States has not yet reached the shores of Manila.
However, should you still feel the need to divorce your wife from the Philippines, try one (or several) of the following (simultaneously):
- Hire a lawyer. Always, always seek legal counsel first. Talk to him or her about your needs, desires, goals and options and see what you both can come up with.
- Become a U.S. citizen. If you're already a U.S. citizen, great–go on ahead and file for divorce then. This doesn't get her off the hook, of course, but you certainly can put "divorced" on your "Match.com" profile. If you aren't already a U.S. citizen and can become one, when you do, you may file for divorce according to U.S. divorce laws. Sure, there's a long, drawn out process to the whole U.S. citizenship thing, but what's a few years when forever and ever and ever is at stake?
- Get a DNA test. Okay so, she got pregnant. You, being the stand up guy that you are, married her, thinking the child was yours. It turns out though, every time you look in little Junior's eyes, he looks more and more like your best friend and less and less like your great Uncle Felix. You have your suspicions, but you can't prove it. Get a DNA test. If the kid turns out not yours–according to Filipino law– if fraud was involved prior to marriage by either party, the marriage can be annulled.
- Claim Crazy.You don’t have to stay crazy after the annulment goes through, but if you can find a way to prove that you were bi-polar prior to your nuptials, and it was that “bi-polar-ness” that caused you to marry the trollop in the first place, you may have a case.
According to Filipino law, if either of you continue to pressure the other about stuff that’s immoral or illegal, that's grounds for legal separation. Of course, with legal separation in the Philippines, you can't get married again, but after you’ve been through all of this, why would you want to? With this in mind, you may want to try one of the following repeatedly and consistently until your wife files for a legal separation with the courts:
- Pressure her to change her religious affiliation. I know you're both Catholic. But this would be a great opportunity to become a devout Muslim or Jehovah's Witness.
- Become a Pimp. According to The Family Code of the Philippines, if you continuously pressure her to engage in prostitution, it is, in fact, grounds for legal separation. Seriously.
- Come out of the Closet. This may be the easiest option of all, because if you "become" gay, she can file for separation. All you must do is dress in bright colors, insist on a pedicure, drink tea with your pinky up and elevate your vocal gate a bit. Of course, to make this one stick better, you may have to change your hang out spots and friends, but what’s a little cultured activity amongst folks desperate to divorce their wives? You might also do well to start a ‘Faux Gay Guy Club’, specifically for straight men acting like gay men solely to divorce their wives.
Filipino law is very clear. Divorce? No. Annulment? Depends. Legal separation? We'll see. But like every other legal process, there are loopholes. It’s just a matter of creativity. When there’s a will, there is always a way. Good luck!
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