How to dress like white trash is simple: just dress like the people on Jerry Springer, either audience members or guests. Oh, but you want more details than that? And details you shall receive, my inquisitive readers. To dress like white trash requires minimal effort because these delightful members of society are working on minimal intelligence. However, the full white trash ensemble is about fifty percent appearance and fifty percent attitude, so you have to get the hang of both before anyone will believe you’re legitimate Caucasian rubbish. In order to dress like white trash successfully, follow these simple steps.
- Stains. Make sure all your clothing is stained with a variety of fluids. Beer, vomit, oil, urine, grease, and food should be all over whatever you choose to wear. Then don’t wash those clothes. Ever.
- Rips and tears. White trash clothes are full of holes, which often happens when you wear the same exact shirt for a decade. Stretch out shirts until they rip a little, and slice holes in your jeans. Don't bother wearing a shirt either, especially if your stomach is so large that you appear to be pregnant with quadruplets.
- Be a dirtbag. Don’t bathe for about two weeks; make sure your hair is thicker with grease than a fast food grill. And have a mullet too, be it a real one or a wig. Don’t brush your teeth either, and you get bonus points if you don’t have teeth.
- Cut-off clothes. This kind of goes in conjunction with number two, but rather than putting some rips here and there in your shirt, you also need to hack off parts of clothing for those classic stringy, fringed edges. Slice off shirt sleeves to make a tank top, or slash jeans off at the knee or thigh for shorts. Pants can even be optional; just wear some skid-marked and urine-stained underwear with a sweaty wife beater and you’ll be good to go.
- Downsize. Keep in mind what size shirt you take when you dress like white trash, and find one that’s two sizes too small, especially if it’s also too short. You want everything to hang out, and this works even more effectively if you happen to be a little (or very) stout. The smaller the size you can cram your assets into, the better you’ll fit into your role.
- Accessorize. Carry around a beer can and wear a trucker’s hat. If possible, sport a farmer’s tan and wear anything depicting the rebel flag. Walk around with an equally trashy-looking woman at your side, and be sure she has a tramp stamp. A flock of children very close in age and with different last names accompanying her is discretionary, but very compelling.
Looking like a backwoods inbred is only half the battle, so if you want to persuasively dress like white trash, you have to act like it too. You might have to make some observations of this charming culture on your own, but the overall lifestyle of the common white trash entity is to live in a trailer, talk about NASCAR, chug beer, listen to bad eighties rock like Black Sabbath or ZZ Top, have or fake a double-digit IQ, don’t work, and spend all your time doing the aforesaid things on a porch or in a backyard.
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