How To Fart On Command

Learning how to fart fart on command makes life a little more amusing. Farting is awesome. Everyone farts, it is the ultimate equalizer. You fart. Your mom farts. Your girlfriend farts—don't believe her if she tells you otherwise. Even the President farts! There's just something great about our butts making noises similar to air squeezing out of empty ketchup bottles or cheap chairs scooting across wooden floors. The smell? The smell! Our greatest weapon is emitting odors from our rectums that resembles two-week old trash in a dumpster outside of your favorite Mexican restaurant. So much for metal detectors. Below are a few wonderful tips to learn to fart on command.

Things you'll need:

  • Beans
  • Undercooked or raw vegetables
  • Dairy products
  • Soda or beer
  • Any food or beverage with a high content of artificial sweetners
  • A good back
  1. Eat a large amount of high fiber foods. Most of your fart gasses are made by bacteria in your gastrointestinal system feeding off the food you eat. This bacteria seems to love feeding off of higher fiber foods. If you want to fart on command, you must already have a lot of wind in your body in the first place. To achieve this, just eat lots of beans, undercooked veggies, and whole grains.
  2. Drink large amounts of highly carbonated beverages. Farts are also made of carbon dioxide. A way to increase your carbon dioxide intake and fart on command is to drink a lot of fizzy drinks, such as soda and beer. Try not to burp though, you would want the gas to escape from your butt end, not your mouth one.
  3. Eat foods that you know that you are sensitive to. Not only high fiber foods can make you gassy. If you have a specific food sensitivity, like lactose intolerance or sensitivity to artificial sweeteners, you may fart a lot. This is a good way to fart on command if you have one.
  4. Suck up air with your butt. Not everyone can do this, but if you can develop this ability, it is an easy way to fart on command. Lie on your back, throw your legs over your shoulders, and tense and relax your stomach muscles repeatedly. Eventually, you should feel a large air bubble building up in your rectum, and then you can fart on command.

Warnings:

  • Do not eat foods that you are sensitive to if you have serious conditions such as Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis. Doing so can cause severe illness.