To become a true amateur porn star, you will have to know how to get hairier balls. Every time a movie starts up and some steroid freak with baby smooth balls waltzes in, you know you are watching studio porn. Studio porn is boring because real sex is a sweaty, grotesque act between two hairier people that are screwing to avoid thinking about bills, deadlines, emotions or any sort of reality. Besides, fashion is circular. The 70’s hairier genitalia will come back to popular culture after the internet dulls the masses to frictionless fornication. See all those guys with beards and mustaches walking around? It is a common knowledge that the balls follow the face. While the razor and wax industries will suffer, toothpick company stocks will shoot through the roof.
To get hairier balls, you will need:
- Razor, shaving cream, wax
- No girlfriend
- Science faction. Say you are wispy human whose ancestors evolved in warm climates. Perhaps they did not need all that fur. Well, as a mammal you still have a little hair on your nut sack right? Shave it off. Wax it off. Utilize whichever method you find bearable and remove that pitiful patch of peach fuzz. The old wives tale is kinda, sorta true. While shaving does not actually cause the hair to grow back thicker or faster, it does remove the wispy ends you have been fretting about. Beneath the wisp are thick strands of 1970’s porn star pubes just waiting to happen.
- Comic book guy. The best way to get hairier balls is to not have a girlfriend. As an unloved, untouched, porn addicted freak, your pubes will grow quite happily on their own. In fact, you will probably trip out how lush and verdant you look after half a year of uncouth, slovenly behavior. If you are in the habit of lazing around nude while you drink beer and do absolutely nothing, remember to check your waist afro for pepperoni and corn nuts. The salts, oils and chemicals can make your jungle smell funky.
- Cheater. In the modern age, there are many options to get hairier balls. If you have money, you can find South American “doctors” that will remove your back hair and sew it on your balls. But it does not have to come to this point. Merkins are pubic hair wigs for men and women. There are many historically compelling reasons for merkins but all you need to know is you can buy one online and glue it around your penis. Keep oral sex in the dark so as not arouse suspicion or horror.
What Others Are Reading Right Now.
Acting, comedy and strong spirits converge in Speakeasy. When host Paul F. Tompkins interviews entertainers—Key and Peele, Alison Brie, Rob Delaney, Zach Galifianakis—about all sor …
Emma Watson and Other Child Stars Who Grew Up To Be Hot
Throughout the Harry Potter film series, we've seen Emma Watson transform from a lovable child star into a burgeoning sex symbol. She's not the first actress to do so, and she cert …
10 Things Women Expect Men to Know How to Do
To make ladies swoon or at least not cringe, master these skills. (Yes, several are car-related.)