How To Grow Beard
With our caveman ancestry and circular fashion trends, every male should know how to grow a beard. While we all can grow some facial hair, it is a sad fact that some of us simply cannot grow a Karl Marx or Uncle Jesse. But fret not halfman, our genes know what to do and we can all end up with some sort of a beard. Even a scraggly, patchy sprout counts as a beard if you let it grow long and wispy enough. So if you are patient, lazy or simply don’t care, you too can join the ranks of the all the sexy prophets, presidents, gods and dictators who once sported a beard.
To grow a beard, you will need:
- To hopefully be a male
- Insect like patience
- Women. If you have a girlfriend you should probably tell her what you are up to. Some will think its funny and some will fight you every step of the way. Oh and the crazy ones might try and shave you when you are passed out. If you are married, who cares? Be unreasonable and selfish. Point out after breeding, the motorcycle became a minivan and all the guns, fireworks and liquor were confiscated. If all else fails, join the millions of men who have bellowed, “No! The beard stays! You go!”
- Pick a date. When you want to grow a beard, you will face an endless barrage of questions like, “Are you growing a beard?”, “Did you lose a bet?”, “Ho Gandalf!” This is exactly why you should choose to start a growing a beard on vacation. On vacation, no one messes with you and figures you lost your razor or are too busy getting loaded to shave.
- Let it grow. Do not think shaving will help you grow a beard. It is counterintuitive to shave and also an old wives’ tale. It only looks thicker after you shave because you have removed the soft part and the thick nub of hair below the skin fills the place. So don’t mess with it.
- Trim. Give yourself about four weeks of itchy, uncomfortable face crotch before you even think about trimming it. Not all beards are equal in the eyes of Abraham Lincoln. Some men grow spotty beards while some grow rugs. Plus your facial hair grows at different speeds so it best to sport the castaway pirate look until the whole beard grows in.