Everyone knows you can’t be manly with a puny little-boy bird chest, so learning how to grow chest hair is an important part of every young lad’s development. Granted, a lot of scientists will tell you that you can’t actually learn how to grow chest hair, and that the accumulation of androgenic hair is merely a natural part of male physiological development that is outside our control. Pish posh. How many scientists have you seen with a bushy man-thicket under their lab coat? Follow the steps outlined below and you’ll be sprouting a pectoral rug in no time.
- Whiskey: And lots of it. Do you remember when your alcoholic great uncle Clarence told you, “This will put hair on your chest” as he sloshed around a tumbler of Jack on the rocks? You should have listened to him, as whiskey is one of the surest ways to grow chest hair.
- Cigars. A big old stogie will help you grow chest hair for the exact same reasons as the whiskey.
- Manly jobs. Land yourself some sort of manly occupation like lumber jack or alligator wrestler. Essentially anything that requires brutal physical labor, lots of flannel, and absolute isolation from women will help you grow chest hair.
- Touch yourself furiously. This method is great for growing all types of body hair. Whacking it compulsively is a sure fire way to grow chest hair. Side effects may include blindness and knuckle hair.
- Squeeze really hard. This is a top-secret chest hair growing method that is not recommended for people suffering from hemorrhoids, incontinence, or pregnant women. Stand in front of the mirror and flex your pectoral muscles as hard as possible. Isolate individual hair follicles and focus all of your energy on that follicle. A hair should pop out. Work on one hair per day and repeat as necessary.
- Merkin. Although technically a pubic wig, a merkin can make excellent fake chest hair as well. If you can’t learn how to grow chest hair, you might as well fake it. This is cheating, so take care to keep your chest merkin a secret. The revelation of such a device will lead to locker room taunts and boos as well as leave you open to wedgies, atomic wedgies, and the dreaded rear admiral.
- Tom Selleck. Most people remember Tom for his triumphant mustache, but it is no secret that Sir Selleck had a glorious thicket on his chest as well. Acquire a photo of Tom (a Magnum PI original works best) and place it under your pillow. The process of osmosis will transfer his manliness to your body.
- Surgery. Many legitimate medical professionals will have no problem transferring hair from one part of your body to another.
- Lay off the steroids. Dude, your balls are shrinking.
- Big Game Fishing. Quick name some big game fishermen…uh, Hemmingway and those guys in Jaws. Apparently all big game fishermen can grow chest hair. Then again, Jaws was filmed in the 70’s, and everyone was hairy back then. Maybe you should just get yourself a time machine and a bigger boat.
Wait a few years. Repeat as necessary. Maybe you’re a late bloomer. Just give it some time man.