If you are a human of breeding age, then you should already know how to hump someone. It is your prime directive and the point of existence. But in this age of robots, zealots and visual bastardization, some of us need guides to do anything. This one is for you my friend.
To hump someone, you will need:
- Fresh breath
- Maybe booze
- Maybe a lot of booze
- Presentation. To hump someone, you have to have all your ducks in a row. Proper hygiene is a must because if you reek like an unwashed street hippie, then your chances of humping decreases exponentially. An often overlooked area is your genitalia. If you have to comb back thick brush to make out anything, perhaps it is time for a trim. When you lean in close to shout your mating call in clubs with loud music, you should always have fresh breath. Unless you are paying to hump, you have to look and smell like a winner in the game of natural selection.
- Selection. A good hump can happen anywhere, but realistically, your chances improve if alcohol is involved. This means you will have to go out. If all you require is to hump someone without any sort of emotional investment, you are in luck. The sheer numbers of your species put the odds in your favor. While making use of technology to find humpable partners greatly increases your chances, you also have to polish your personal skills for the physical mingling of the flesh.
- Approaching hump. Once your partner has found you acceptable, it is time to get down to brass tacks. If you happen to be male and you are whipped up to a state of maddened, sexual frenzy, think of something else. Food is too close to screwing so try sports or trigonometry. Remember, humping includes everyone. There is a lot of preparation involved, so if you barely last two minutes, you are not doing your partner any favors.
- Anatomy. To hump someone is something your species has been practicing for more than 100,000 years. It should be fairly obvious, but here is the technical explanation. The female species stimulates the male’s fireman. She will rub the fireman’s helmet with her various body parts until the fireman is standing upright at attention. In this position, the fireman is also referred to as the Little Colonel. After begging and making many false promises, the Little Colonel eagerly dives into the female’s vertical smile. If the female is lying on her back, aim for the top hole. If you attempt to enter the bottom hole, the hump could end before it ever starts.