How To Hump Things

So you're terribly lonely and terribly horny, and you want to know how to hump things! Well, we all need love, even from the inanimate. This article should serve as a guide to those for whom humping is a life's passion.

To hump things, you will need:

  • Yourself
  • Flat surfaces
  • Things with apertures
  1. Avoid trouble! First things first. Never hump anything that is one-way; that is to say, never hump anything that has suction or is sealed when the single aperture is closed. Case in point is a man whose, as Maxim tells us, "now-clinically-bruised penis was lodged in [a pool suction drain] for over 40 minutes." Things like this are easy to get the penis stuck in beyond the point of easy retraction. Such things as bottles are the same way; on the other hand, also avoid the mechanically unknown. Things such as vacuum cleaner hoses come to mind because dangerous blades and other moving parts can be lurking in the hose.
  2. Find flat surfaces. This can be done without even removing the trousers. Pick a wall, a picnic table, a pole, etc., and, with the penis pointed upward in the pants to avoid injury, begin to hump in and out, and slightly up and down, to create the desired friction. This is a time-honored method of humping amongst young boys.
  3. Try things with apertures. Again, avoid one-way apertures that seal, but breathable one ways, such as shoes, and two-ways such as PVC pipes, and even professional masturbation devices, can be used to good effect. Use lots of lubrication; if you are using something made of hard material, such as PVC, be careful. Go slowly and do not hurt yourself. Remember that the penis is neither perfectly straight nor perfectly round.

With these tips in mind, you should be humping away in no time! Avanti!