How To Live Like James Bond

How to live like James Bond: a piercing conundrum. Does one adopt the brogueish lisp of Sean Connery or walk on one’s knees to assume the diminutive stature of dour 007 Daniel Craig? Luckily, Bond the character is dynamic and well rounded enough to transcend the apparently endless parade of dashing Britons who assume the mantle of Ian Flemming’s signature spy. Here are some (hopefully) helpful hints for those among you who yearn to live like James Bond.

  1. Bond. James Bond. How to live like James Bond, step one: start saying your last name first. This step will be especially easy for the Sino and Japanese contingents who traditionally announce themselves Family Name, Give Name. For those with names based on the Western pattern of Given Name, Family Name, you’ll have to remember to always introduce yourself based on the following nomenclatural pattern: Family name. Given name, family name.
  2. Surround Yourself with ridiculously cognominated women. And sleep with every single one of them. This a sure fire way to adopt the mannerisms and lifestyle of James Bond. His ferociously sexual conquests have names as absurd as Honey Rider, Plenty O’Toole (we’re guessing this one’s a transvestite), and, wait for it…Pussy Galore. You’ll have to find some randy, vaguely ethnic, conspiratorial buxom wenches to pull this off, but it’s an essential step in living like Bond.
  3. Patriotism and ruthlessness will be your new best friends. Being a loyal subject of the crown is essential to learning how to live like James Bond. To protect Britain and save the world, Bond will do pretty much anything. Though he carries himself with dignity and loves a witty one-liner, let’s not forget that 007 is a ruthless bastard. He’s slain those he’s lain with, and cackled psychotically throughout a jocular bout of genital torture, all in the name of the British Empire.
  4. Evade elaborate eradication. “No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” [maniacal laughter] If you’re living the life of James Bond you’ll undoubtedly have a full slate of deranged, mad-scientist nemeses with no lack of malevolent imagination but very little common sense. They will try to slice you to bloody ribbons with laser beams, feed you to sharks, drown you in a melting ice hotel build, and…well, slice you to ribbons again with a laser beam. Fortunately for you, arch villains are uniformly consumed by the intricacies of villainy; they’re known to leave gents an easy escape route.
  5. Amass a stockpile of awful puns. Agent 007 is notorious for his awful one-liners, most of them misogynistic reference to things he will either later do to women or villains, or things he perceives women or villains wanting to do to him. From telling nuclear physicist Christmas Jones in the throes of post-coital disinterest “I thought Christmas only comes one a year” to quipping “When one is in Egypt, one should delve deeply into its treasures,” Bond is a master of atrocious humor.
  6. Toys. Knowing how to live like James Bond is all about cultivating a taste for the finer things in life, such as loafers with emergent daggers and rocket-propelled belts. Bond is a watch aficionado with a penchant for flash upgrades such as detonators and laser beams. 007 similarly enjoys indulgences along the lines of missile cigarettes. Don’t forget to drive in style: invisible cars with rear-headlight mounted rocket launchers will be quite popular in your new line of work. 
  7. Jetset. If you’re unwilling to become a secret agent, i.e. are simply looking to live the lifestyle of a swashbuckling killing machine, you won’t have the coffers of the British government at your disposal. However, since you’re looking to learn how to live like James Bond, we suggest tapping a bored, married rich woman as philanthropic funding for your globetrotting adventures. The Soviet Union now collapsed, you’ve got a great plurality to explore. Remember to make crime syndicate contacts, lay with as many women as possible, and lead a life of luxury while rooting out the would-be harbingers of doom in the far-flung shadows of humanity.

Adhere to these guidelines, and with some practice, you’ll know how to live like James Bond.

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