From the dawn of our species, mankind has constantly thirsted for the sacred knowledge that teaches him how to make out with someone step by step. It is a ritualistic coming of age quest that teaches the sweaty mating rituals that hopefully lead up to the reproductive act. It is your sacred duty to learn it, live it and pass it on to younger brothers and the socially awkward. It must also be guarded jealously from the extraterrestrials who have used this forbidden knowledge to score with hot, earth chicks.
To make out with someone step by step, you will need:
- Animal instinct
- Living being to make out with
Rapidly close the distance between the two bodies. Common ruses are watching movies together on a single couch, gazing at the stars outside or doing tequila body shots. If the female has already been aroused by your actions earlier in the evening, do not make the mistake of choosing a seat away from her. This does not make you look like a considerate gentleman. It makes you look like an ass.
- If the conversation is flowing, relaxed and she laughs at your pathetic attempts at levity, this is a great sign. But idle conversation is good for only so long. Now you must try and make eye contact, lingering eye contact with smiles. If she stares back with a bemused expression, you may be barking up the wrong tree. If she blushes or looks like she is holding her breath, touch either her hand or knee while you utter one last silly line.
- There are social clues you must pay attention to when you make out with someone. If you have decent eye contact and no rebuffs from the hand on hand action, you must act quickly and kiss her. Linger too long in this realm of unspoken words and the magic will vanish. Plus, on a primal level, she will think you are a half-man and not fit to fill her womb with children. So do it, Romeo. And never ask if you can kiss her. It is a sign of primal weakness.
- The first make out kiss must begin gently. Keep your tongue in your mouth and do not start making any unconscious hip thrusts. Give a short smooch, lean back for effect and make some more eye contact. After a pause without being rebuffed, do it again but longer and with more feeling. If she responds with a wet, carp-like mouth and probing tongue, jackpot. You may now begin fondling. If not, think of her as a delicate rosebud waiting for the sunshine of your lips to gently awaken her desire–now put your hand on her ass.
- Make out kisses grow in intensity like summer storms over the sea. Allow your hands to caress, stroke and fondle her face, arms, hips and ass. Going straight for the boob honks is immature and makes you look like a big baby. Remain subtle in your intentions to prolong the moment. This means you would slip your hand under her shirt to caress her back rather than try to unbutton her jeans. Allow her body to lead the dance at this point. Does she want to leap on your bones and grind? Is she leaning back, urging you to come hither? Regardless, the rest is up to both of you as your bodies become one. Now that you are making out, do not ruin the moment by either farting or answering texts.
What Others Are Reading Right Now.
6 Signs the Beard Is Just Not Working for You
You may need to grab a razor and ditch the facial fuzz.
Acting, comedy and strong spirits converge in Speakeasy. When host Russell Peters interviews entertainers about all sorts of topics, neither the drinks nor the conversation is wate …
10 Red Flags That Kill Your Chances With Women
Wondering why that first date didn’t lead to a second? Read on.