How To Make Your Ex Jealous

If you’re the petty, spiteful type who just can’t seem to let things go, you will eventually find yourself in a situation where you are wondering how to make your ex jealous. After all, nobody is going to want to stay with an insecure, self-centered mess like you for very long. Don’t worry, though, because we’re here for you.

1. Get another, prettier girlfriend. What better way to make your ex jealous than by finding someone who is better looking than she is? She will wonder to herself, “What does this more attractive woman see in him that I didn’t?” Soon she will be begging you to take her back, and then you can pyramid your fingers and cackle like the evil villain you are.
2. Get in shape.  Perhaps you were lumpy and unattractive before. If so, head to the gym and work out until you look like you were chiseled out of granite. Then knock on your ex’s door and watch in amusement as her face contorts in a paroxysm of jealous rage. “He’s so attractive now!” she’ll think to herself. “That makes me really jealous!”
3. Pretend you’re over her. Nothing makes an ex jealous like thinking that you’re no longer pining for her. When you run across her in the street, pretend you can scarcely even remember her. Act like you’re really taxing yourself to remember her name. You see, your ex was still secretly pining for you and hoping that you would go running back to her. Now that she believes you’re not, you have made your ex jealous!
4. Do something really important. The vast majority of people never do anything important, and that includes your ex. If you want to make her jealous, do something notable, like win a Nobel prize or discover the cure for cancer or something. How will you go about doing that? If we knew, we probably wouldn’t be wasting our time giving you this advice. Instead we would be surfing on waves of sweet, sweet jealousy.
5. Win the lottery. “That’s preposterous!” you protest. “The odds of winning the lottery are astronomically low!” Very true. You see, we put this item here to make a point. The point is this: you have a better chance of winning the lottery, getting struck by lightning, and getting into Jehovah’s Witness heaven than making your ex jealous. She’s over you, man. It’s time to move on.