How To Make Your Own Penis Pump

Sure, it’s fun to make homemade ice cream or beer, but why not go all the way and learn how to make your own penis pump? Don’t look like that--you won’t be the first to do this. It’s tried and true! You know you have thought about it. It’s safe, simple to make and loads of fun. Moreover, you can make it for under $5.

Improvise with bottles and tubing! 

• Drill
• G2 or Gatorade bottle
• Lubricant (lotion or Vaseline)
• 1-½ feet of ¼ inch plastic tube (clear)
• ¼ inch plastic nipple pipe fitting device with O-ring (ice maker tubing)
 

1. Clean the bottle. After enjoying your refreshing drink, empty and wash the bottle. You may want to use a bottle brush or simply run it through the dishwasher. Make sure you get the bottle completely clean, for obvious reasons. In addition, file down any imperfections or burrs that might catch the folds of your skin. Omitting this part would be a definite buzz kill. 
 
2. Drill a hole. In order to get a good seal, you will need to drill your hole either on the edge of the bottom of the bottle. Some choose to drill the hole on the side, almost to the base of the bottle. You can try both ways to see which works best for you. Try not to drill too large of a hole; you will need a comfortable seal. However, it does need to be just slightly smaller than the pipe fitting’s nipple end, as you will be screwing it (unnecessary pun intended) into the bottle. 
 
3. Attach the O-ring. Many people swear by glue when it comes to sealing the nipple to the tubing for a proper penis pump, but it is best to seal it with your rubber O-ring. Place it directly on the edge of the pipe fitting. This is what your penis will be rubbing against.
 
4. Connect the pipe fitting and the tube. Gently insert the tubing into the end of the pipe fitting. Since it is intended for an ice maker, it is rather rigid, but use the clear tube; it’s much more flexible. When making your own penis pump, you want flexibility. The catch, however, is it may not make a tight vacuum seal. You may have to hold it while you are using it.
 
5. Lubricate and insert. We are finally getting to the “root” of the matter. Get the lotion or Vaseline and apply a small dab to the mouth of the bottle. Stick your penis in there and prepare for greatness. You may want to experiment and put about an inch of very warm water inside the bottle. 
 
6. Suck baby! Grab the tubing and suck (gently, at first) on it. Just as if you were blowing up a floating device, use your tongue between breaths. You’ll catch on quickly to this step. This will pull the air out of the bottle. The bottle will form itself to you and create a nice seal. It should pull you further into the bottle the more you suck on the tubing. (Note: Don’t get so into it that you hyperventilate. That might throw a wrench into the plan.)

So, that’s it. Head out to your man cave to mix up some Long Island teas and throw on some tunes. Or, better yet, share the love with someone. Either way, you just saved yourself tons of cash by making your own penis pump. Do the lasting results vary? Have fun finding out, you little devil.